Where did my confidence go? When I was an undergrad, I used to take pride in how late I would stay up studying. Now, all I can think of is how sleep-deprived I’m going to be for the next few days. Back then, I used to say things like, “I’m gonna kick that exam’s ass!” Now, it’s more like, “Please, oh please, be nice to me!” I felt like such a bad-ass as an undergrad, failure never crossed my mind. What happened? That is one thing I didn’t want to grow out of!
I feel that I have no one to talk to. I would love to talk to my Mom and hear some encouragement from her, but I know she would only worry and feel terrible that she wasn’t able to stay with me this week like we had planned. When I say “talk” I actually mean cry. I need someone to cry to. I hate crying at times like this because I feel so weak and ungrateful. I should be glad that I’m in vet school, even if it means having no life because I’m studying my ass off for exams. The truth is that I am absolutely drained. I almost feel hopeless. I know I can do it, I know I can get the grades, but the things I have to go through to get them? So draining.
I’m just tired. So tired. A nap would be nice, but I am too restless to actually take one.
F bombs F bombs F bombs.
My poor brain and my poor body. I am going to put them both through hell this week.
It’s a good thing that I stay healthy otherwise.
I have been studying since nine o’clock this morning and my brain would really like a break, one that I’m not very willing to give it considering the fact that I have three comprehensive finals coming up this week. I ate half a sandwich earlier and that’s all I’ve had all day, because who can really eat at times of stress? I slept for six hours last night and that will more than likely be the most sleep I get all week. I am just a mess.
I keep telling myself to just push through this shitty week, to beat myself up because the grades are worth it and because after this week, I’ll have a long summer to recover in Dallas with the ones I love.
So don’t stop now, Daisy gal. Keep on going, stay as strong as you can, get through this no matter how tired you are. Things will be so much better in just four days!
I’m frustrated that I’m not in Dallas with my Mom, there to give her a hug when she wakes up.
I’m frustrated that I’m not at the hospital asking her doctor all the questions that everyone else won’t think to ask.
I’m frustrated that I can’t be alone with my thoughts all day, so by the time I get home from school, every wild emotion in me has built up and I end up being a total wreck.
Quick cry, then getting it back together. Only nine days until I’m home.
I don’t even know why I blog sometimes. It’s not as if I can put everything I am feeling into words. Any attempt to do so will be utterly feeble.
Finals are coming up and all I do with my spare time is study and take care of other responsibilities, like taking care of the critters, eating, sleeping, washing, cleaning, and such. That’s actually the order of my priorities. Technically, taking care of my critters is first, but I didn’t list it first because it is nowhere near as time-consuming as studying is. All this studying is overwhelming and what happens is that I begin ignoring the many other things I have to do and put them off as long as I can until I absolutely have to get them done. So then I do them at very odd and inopportune times, which just throws my normal schedule off, which seems to throw my whole life off, which is not cool. Obviously.
My dear, sweet Mom was going to come help keep me sane during finals week. Just her presence and being able to hug her would be enough. I can only imagine all the positive vibes and encouragement I’d get from having her here. Not only that, but all those responsibilities I mentioned? She was going to take care of them for me! That way, I could focus entirely on studying and the study breaks that I do allow myself to take could be actual breaks and not revolve around getting other things done.
But my wonderful mommy is in the hospital. And my heart is broken. Because I want to be with her. And I can’t.
I know that once she has this surgery done, she will be fine. She just has to take better care of herself like I have been telling her to do! I know that she is surrounded by all our family in Dallas and that she is not alone. I know that she is in excellent care and that she is one tough lady. I know all of this… but it doesn’t change how much I want to hug her. It doesn’t.
I was in class today when I got a message from my brother asking me to call him. So I left the lab and stepped outside. When he told me what happened, he sounded so calm. He told me that he debated telling me because he knew that I was already stressed with school. I kept my calm too. Momentarily. Sometimes, a girl just has to cry. Sometimes, a girl just has to leave school early to go home and cry.
Thankfully, I spoke to Mom tonight. Then I spoke to my Dustin. Then my brother, Cent, and my Dad. They all know she is going to be okay. It’s crazy that they are all more worried about me. Why wouldn’t they be, though? Over here alone, over here overwhelmed. I will be okay, though. We all will.
I just love my motivators.
The rash on my neck is still on my neck. Add more hives to it, though. There are some on my right arm, right on the skin over my biceps, and some on my chest now. Nice, big, red, swollen, itchy bumps. Yay for spring? I am now almost certain that they are a result of insect bites. Those little turds must be reproducing like crazy this time of year.
Another week has gone by and, again, it was a week of hell. At school all day Monday and Tuesday, only to have to come home and study all evening and night for an exam I had to take on Wednesday. Then, school all day on Wednesday and Thursday, only to have to come home an study all evening and night for an exam on Friday.
Thankfully, my week ended well. Yesterday, I attended the first meeting of the newly formed Texas A&M College of Veterinary Medicine student chapter of the Lesbian and Gay Veterinary Medical Association. Whoo, long name, huh? I’m looking forward to becoming involved with this group. All the other groups/organizations that I am a member of are professional/medical organizations. This is more of a social group, I believe. And I mean social as in we will hopefully have social gatherings and not just learning/volunteering gatherings, but social as in it involving social issues. Needless to say, I’m happy that this organization is getting going. We even elected officers yesterday!
After the meeting, I was off to take that exam I mentioned. I rocked it: 48/50, which is pretty much the equivalent of making As on two and a half quizzes (because there is so much weight on this exam). Go me.
Fridays, I get to come home early. I was back at my place by 2PM and ended up taking a (well-deserved) long, glorious nap! Oh, how I miss taking naps and not feeling guilty about it. The truth is that I wouldn’t survive without taking naps every now and then, but they’re usually short and I don’t enjoy them very much. If I do take a long nap, I simply wake up feeling as though I have wasted too much time. Bummer, eh?
Unfortunately, as wonderful as my day was, it didn’t end well. This is because I can’t be happy when someone I love tremendously is very unhappy. I wish I could make things better, but I don’t know how. All I know is that I hope we can make it through these final two weeks… Then I’ll be home…
If it wasn’t for facebook and my oversharing of photos, people I have met here in College Station would probably think that I’ve made Dustin up, that he’s an imaginary boyfriend. I mean, he’s never around. I don’t think he has met anyone new in Dallas (since he was already there), but if he had, they’d think the same about me. I’m just a made-up girlfriend. I have been home only twice this entire semester.
The weather today was overcast and a bit cooler than it has been in recent weeks. I didn’t appreciate it. This morning I woke up with a terrible, ugly and itchy rash on my neck. According to WebMD, it was caused by either insect bites or they’re hives caused by allergens. I don’t know what the hell it is, I just wish it’d go away.
So today just felt “off” and so has this entire evening. I talked to Dustin for a little while on the phone, but we didn’t really do much talking. All I want to do is go to bed and hope for a more stimulating tomorrow.
Less than three weeks to go!
I am a horrible blogger because there are always at least twenty things ahead of blogging on the list that I keep in my brain of things to be done. My poor fried brain. It’s getting too old for this. Good thing I didn’t wait any longer to apply to this school. Good thing I was accepted on my first attempt!
Today was a good day. Not a spectacular day, by any means, but good in comparison to the draining days that seem to have become the norm in my life. Today was the Vet School’s Open House. I volunteered selling food this morning. I did the selling, the money-handling, because if they let me get too close to the food, I’d probably burn something or eat it. The money we made goes towards our class and when people realized that, they started donating to us! Some people would donate their fifty-cent change. One woman donated her eighteen-dollar change! Wow. The generosity of people really lifts my spirits. The excitement of children, their desire to learn, their enthusiasm for veterinary medicine and animals… that did it too. So did the many people who congratulated us for choosing this profession.
I needed that. I truly did. It was enough to inspire me to come straight home and pretty much study all day. Well, after the Texas Rangers game, that is. I can’t wait to go to one this summer.
Thoughts of summer need to be put on hold for now. I really need to focus… Less than three weeks to go. Oh muh lawd!
How did I let myself get so down last week? Where did it all come from? Where was my hope and my pride? I tried my best to dig for it, but I just couldn’t find it. Or maybe I just wasn’t letting it flourish. I let so much time go to waste… Such a damn shame.
No matter now because I am better. Less than five weeks until the semester ends and although there is so much to learn and do in those five weeks, optimism is finding its way back to me.
I only have one more torturous anatomy exam left to take. I have three demonstrations to make: how to palpate a horse, how to do a physical exam on a dog with the client present, and how to perform a neurological exam on a dog. I can do it… I am so much better at the hands-on things than I am at the boring study-retain-and-spit-out-information-for-a-grade stuff.
Of course, that is not all that is left to do. I still have to learn the anatomy of ruminants (animals with four stomachs such as cows, goats, and sheep). I have numerous lecture exams and finals to take, several lab exams, several quizzes, assignments, blah blah blah. Life of a student.