Pay up.

I have been thinking, as I tend to do at the most inopportune times, I have been thinking about breakups. It seems as though when breakups happen, the primary focus is usually diverted to the dumpee. That person, the blindsided one, the heartbroken one, the one who is hurting. The articles written, the advice that is out for the taking, the demonstrations of sympathy – they are directed at that individual.

What about those who do the “dumping”? What an awful term, by the way. I don’t feel that I dumped him, like a load of waste just needing to be taken out. I mentioned before, I love the fella. I want to remain his friend. Maybe some people do get rid of trash when they break up, but that is not what is happening here, I assure you. Can we call this something else?

At any rate, I am the one who terminated the relationship. How about that as a title: The Terminator? I am the bad guy, right? The heartless one. The one who gave up. The one who will go about her life and simply move on. That’s not so, believe me. Although I know I did what is best, it sucks to know that I have hurt him. I carry a certain guilt with me regarding the whole situation. I have caused sorrow. Dammit. I also carry a degree of dread. I dread that eventually, we will not be friends. He will banish me from his life permanently, and then will certainly deserve to be called a dumpee.

Que vida esta.

I owe it to myself to be happy, though. I truly believe that. I am decent enough of a human being to deserve happiness, I think. More importantly, I hold this role of being what matters most to Arturo and Imelda. Did you know they are so selfless in their position as parents, that they put my happiness – and that of my brother – before their own? They are such wonderful people and they deserve to live happily, more so than I do. But, if their happiness depends on mine, then, fuck – I have no choice but to be happy. For them if anything else.

It’s as simple as that.

Be happy, Daisy. And do not feel guilty about it. It is owed.

Oh my gosh, my name is so pretty. Even when it is typed out. Daisy. Yet another thing to thank my Mom for! 

I will tell you what is making me happy at the moment. On Friday, I celebrated three whole years as a vegan. Woot woot. That is approximately 600 animal lives I have saved through my diet alone. I have also indirectly consumed about 657,000 less gallons of water than the average person on the average American diet (raising animals for food requires a ridiculous amount of water). I wish I could easily look up how many lives I have spared by not wearing leather nor wool, and also by not using products containing animal ingredients nor that have been tested on animals. It doesn’t matter. However great or small the numbers are, the lives are precious all the same.

Y’all. This feels so good. I love animals with all my heart, I am entirely devoted to them, and I refuse to take my love for them lightly. They are worth living this lifestyle that can be pretty darn inconvenient at times, not gonna lie. I also adore the planet that I live on, twisted as it may be at times, it is still a lovely place that deserves to be mended and preserved.

I should share that I have three friends who have themselves made positive changes recently. Kay has started to make a conscientious effort to eat as little meat as possible, Disa is mostly vegetarian now, and Lindsey has gone vegan. What?! The best part? All three credit me as being their inspiration! I am so proud!

Oh, but as much as food animals tug my heartstrings, I still have plenty of love and time for animals in the entertainment industry, and companion animals as well.

Earlier this month, I protested Ringling Brothers circus yet again, for the third straight year. It is absolutely necessary to educate the public about the abuse those animals must endure, and we have made gains for them in recent years (Ringling elephants and SeaWorld orcas: we did it!). The success we have obtained only motivates me to keep going. Although I am heckled, what I put up with cannot begin to compare to what animals everywhere undergo simply for being animals. How can I not do it?

Now that the circus has left town, I am hoping to become more involved with the Texas Humane Legislation Network. I reached out to them last week and in the application to join, they ask about previous volunteer experience. Mine is as follows, dating back to 2009*:

Looks good, right? I hope they have positions open and that I hear from them soon. I am ready for a new challenge! For the animals!

In closing, I have a recommendation for anyone going through a breakup: Regardless of which side of the breakup you find yourself on, do what makes you happy, do what makes you proud, do what fulfills you. The breakup will seem trivial in the scheme of everything you do with your time and your abilities. If you find yourself in a doomed relationship, let it go. Why give it the energy that you could instead be using towards your purpose in life? You could be changing the world, even if you do so indirectly. You being happy will benefit all, it will bring positivity. Fucking get to it already! The world needs you!

Our time is short. Do not let it go to waste. Do not spend it in unhappiness.

I bet you deserve better. I bet you owe it. Pay up.

*I remain active only in the last three, but all these organizations merit support. Please check them out!

 

I just wanted to write

I don’t even know what I want to write about. That’s not a good way to start. It’s been so long since I have written, though, that I feel that it’s necessary for me to sit down and do it.

This year is off to a good start. Surprisingly, I have actually kept busy this month because just as shockingly, I have been willing to leave home and venture into the cold when I am invited out. This is unusual for me – I usually make every excuse to stay home during the winter months because bundling up and facing low temps? Not my idea of a good time. Ugh, awful. Just awful.

BUT…

Last year, I made a new friend. Back up: last year, I got a new job, made several new friends there, and one of them introduced to my new special (I guess?) friend. Jeezus, I already have multiple “best” friends, it’s hard for me to call her that because then the word “best” loses its meaning, doesn’t it? She does fit the description of a best friend, though. A person’s closest friend. That makes her a best friend, right?

She is. She totally is. In a span of just a few months, she has become one of my closest friends. We talk every day and typically see each other every weekend. I love spending time with her, we clicked from the moment we met (sober… the first time we met sober, because the first time we really met, I was trashed and do not remember a thing. HA!), she gets my sense of humor and personality, she is just as goofy/random/happy as I am, and I wish we had met YEARS ago. She is a loving human being, selfless, perfectly flawed, unabashedly affectionate. I adore her.

I am very thankful that I met and befriended her, and I truly hope it shows. She is so easy to talk to, someone I know I can trust, someone I know will not be judgmental nor try to lecture me. Also, with her as a friend, I have been going to new places, seeking new adventures, and meeting new people (including her wonderful and fascinating circle of friends). I get out more since I met her, which is fantastic, really.

Remember when I used to sit around at home on weekends thinking that everyone was having fun without me? (Don’t feel too bad for me – I am referring to a time ten years in the past.) Not so much anymore. January actually flew by because of how busy she and I keep ourselves, having a good time and whatnot, and this means that I only have to suffer through February before springtime commences its beautiful return. We… are… SO… close!

Anyway. Yes. Hoolie. Awesome. Bestie. I love her. Bottom line.

Since I am on the topic of seasons, though, you know what I hate? Getting out of bed before the sun has even risen. It is so sad to me. I wish I could naturally awaken every day to the sensation of solar rays on my face rather than hearing my phone play the least obnoxious soundbite I could find on it that could be used as an alarm. Ugghhh. It is just not right, it isn’t. And I realized this morning that while every year for the past decade I have looked forward to the beginning of Daylight Saving Time, this year, I am not. For the first time in ten years, I get out of work at a decent enough hour, which grants me time to enjoy at least some sunlight. I haven’t felt the darkness, the lack of doses of sun, so much this winter. But with the clocks “springing” forward next month? Boooooooo. Darkness in the mornings… The struggle will continue.

Woe is me.

I should be grateful for days like today, and yesterday, and the day before. I have been off these past three days and have, in fact, slept in until the brightness met my eyes. The weather has also been pleasantly warm and I could not appreciate it more. This is why I love Texas. This, and all my friends and family of course, is why I cannot see myself leaving. I love warmth and I love sunshine. Again, I am waiting as patiently as I can for spring and summer to arrive.

In other news, my fella and I have renewed our lease! We have wrapped up nearly two years of living together and I’d say we’ve done well. Easy peasy for the most part. Only for the most part. I realized not too long ago that a lot of the issues that I felt we had last year had to do with me wanting space, wanting to live on my own. I just about jumped out of my seat when I read an article reporting that Shonda Rhimes, of Grey’s Anatomy fame, openly discussed that marriage was not for her, nor was cohabitation. She did not want to share a home with a man, regardless of whether or not she was in love with him. I read it and thought, “Yes! I agree! It is not for everyone, it may not even be for me!”

Is it for me? How have I STILL not figured this out? Geesh. Hahaha.

All I know is that for now, I am happy. We will just have to see what the future holds. And looking back to the past (as in the last year), it’s true. I did need space. I wanted to be my own person and do my own thing. Sometimes, I felt that he was holding me back, questioning my motives, not understanding my needs, and perhaps being too judgmental whenever I would decide to do something without him. I think this is where a lot of my frustration with our relationship stemmed from (there were other issues, but those are not for discussion here). It wasn’t all his fault, either. I could not go anywhere alone without someone asking, “Where’s Dustin?” or “Why didn’t Dustin come?” or something along those lines.

Oh, it aggravated me so. Like, shit, y’all. I’m here! 

Haha. What a drama queen, to let that bother me. Again, I just like being an individual. I will never be of those who believe that two people become one. Uh, no. That’s just dumb.

Anyhow, yes! We renewed our lease and I felt all sorts of squishy things on the inside as we both initialed paperwork and signed our names. Our relationship, I feel, is on the right track. I am now enjoying being myself and going off on adventures as I please, but more importantly, we have been doing more together as well. What I have figured in spending more quality time with him is that I really like the guy. I have loved him and continue to do so, that has never been in question. But I now realize that I like him. This is someone who I would want in my life even if I had no chance at being in a romantic relationship with him, even if we had been destined to be friends and nothing more, even if I did not get to know him in the way only a soulmate can know him. I believe feeling this way towards him is meaningful and this is why I know that he and I will be just fine. I only hope that he has similar feels for me. Something tells me that he does…

Man. That is quite a lot for someone who had no idea what she wanted to write about. Have a pleasant week, all. I hope you all have wonderful things to look forward to and smile about. 🙂

Half-anniversary

Tomorrow, the boyfriend and I will complete yet another six months together. Sixty-six months altogether. A total of 2,008 days. Five and a half years. But who’s counting anyway?

This year has actually been a bit rough on us as a couple. Things have felt… “off”. There has been a sort of disconnect or lack of chemistry, I have felt an unwelcome distance between us, and we have argued over trivial things. [sigh] That’s all normal in long-term relationships. The honeymoon phase ends and real life bitchslaps hard enough to cause the butterflies to be forcefully expelled from your stomach. It’s what was to be expected, is it not? I see other couples go through this and much worse. It’s not so bad with us, right? These are all things I keep telling and asking myself. Clearly I need further convincing.

Ugghhhh.

Should I hold my relationship to a higher standard? That might be ridiculous and unreasonable. But I don’t want to settle either. Can’t things be better? Why aren’t things better? We have talked and talked and talked numerous times this year. All very honest and open conversations. We should be better. Man, oh, man. Relationships are work.

That’s the thing, though. We are both willing to work. We are not willing to give up on us. We love one another. My goodness, I am certain that he would have ditched me a LONG time ago if he didn’t love me! I am something else!

So tomorrow… tomorrow is another milestone for us. And while we may not make a big celebration out of it, I will be happy. I will be proud of us. I will be thankful for him and for what we have together. I will even give him a small gift… Because I am a goober.

Poor guy is in love with a goober. 🙂

Dustin loves Daisy

We say the words to each other so often, multiple times a day. I love you. We don’t say them so much that they have lost their value, though. I know that when we both say them, we both mean them. Actions speak louder than words, however, and as much as I enjoy hearing him express that sentiment in spoken word, the little things he does just floor me.

On Friday, I overslept and was so late that walking Canelo before work was a no-go. Dustin heard me wake up in a panic and without hesitation, let me know that I did not have to worry. He promised to take my sweet boy out for me, even though that meant him having to chnage up his morning routine. Thank. goodness.

Yesterday, I convinced him to go to the Texas A&M football game with me. Note: the Texas Aggies are not his team. His team is from Austin. They call themselves the Texas Longhorns. Going to the game with me meant not watching his own team and giving up a day of gaming. Not only did he go, but he even did Saw Varsity’s Horns Off with me. That’s the part of the game when all Aggies link arms and legs, sway together, and loudly sing about sawing the longhorns off. Here’s a video example of it. This is what I forced Dustin to do:

It’s not exactly something a Longhorn fan would be fond of listening to, let alone participate in. He must really love me.

Today, I woke up hungry, but did some busywork before really thinking about eating. By the time that work was done, I was READY to eat and on the verge of becoming hangry. I thought I had some vegan enchiladas in the fridge, but as it turned out, they all had cheese in them and thus, belonged to Dustin. Not being in the mood for cooking, I ordered Thai delivery. My food arrived about thirty minutes later and I gladly indulged in it. As I was eating, Dustin got up to warm up his enchiladas.

“Did me eating make you hungry?” I asked.

“I was already hungry, but I knew you were hungry and didn’t want to eat before you did.”

He’s so polite and sweet. This man knows how awful I become when I am hungry and so, he waited. He’s not only polite and sweet, he’s selfless! I can’t help but think of those questionnaires that ask women to rank the qualities they want in a man. The choices are always the same old adjectives: intelligent, funny, passionate, attractive, rich, and so on. Well, my favorite attribute in Dustin is his selflessness.

He thinks about me, takes my feelings into consideration, tiptoes around me at times (I know that’s awful and I wish he didn’t feel the need to do that) all because he loves me. Ugh. I still adore every time he says I love you to me, but the seemingly trivial things he does are all the convincing I need to try to keep this fella around forever.

I do his laundry!

Pain and love

Last night, I fell asleep on the couch while watching tv. Dustin was out walking Canelo Dog. I woke up this morning covered by a blanket, a pillow underneath my head, and the cold pack that was on my knee when I fell asleep was gone. That Dustin guy. Is he a sweetheart or what?

My knee has not really gotten much better these last few days and now I’m starting to worry. After my first doctor visit, yeah, it improved. The swelling went down and it did not hurt as much. Since then, though? I feel that it is about the same. It’s probably my own damn fault for doing more than I should. Walking too much at work, not using my crutches at all times, not cold packing it enough.

I cannot wait to see the physical therapist. According to their website, the goal of physical therapy is to help the patient “return to activities that have become difficult or impossible due to injury” and the “elimination or reduction of pain related to the areas of the body affected”. Please get me back to running, walking dogs, and being able to do my job. Please take the pain away. I have such high hopes for this appointment. Please don’t be a disappointment.

Returning to Dustin, he has been anything but a disappointment throughout this. He has walked my dog, allows me to sit on my ass while he brings things to me, he constantly asks how I am feeling, and reminds me not to do more than I should.

A month ago, he and I had a huge fight that I never wrote about. Really, any fight between us is “huge” because we never fight. This one seemed especially epic because I ended up sleeping on the couch that night and thought I would be moving out. It was bad. We said some not-so-nice things to one another, which we both meant, but probably could have expressed more tactfully if it had been a more civil conversation. That’s our problem: we don’t express our problems and instead let our feelings and annoyances build up until we both erupt. Thank goodness we are both rational and thank goodness we both love each other.

He has expressed that love thoroughly and I do not know that he knows how much I appreciate it. What more can I do?

 

While we’re drowning in rivers from our faces

Not going to get into details, but Dustin and I had a huge HUGE fight this past weekend. Over the phone (the worst!). As with most difficult situations in life, I turned to music for comfort. This is “Goodbye Waves and Driveways” by The Rocket Summer. I’ve highlighted the lyrics that simply resonate with me, the parts that remind me that even when times are tough, love remains. If you care to listen, I’ve included the song at the end (it’s not an actual video, it’s just audio).


Just walk away…

Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
It’s crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great

But we stand here both proud, both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight

And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we’re just so stuck in this moment
It’s clear that we’re coming undone

And you see, it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist

When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists


The goodbye waves in the driveway, they just resonate

And yes, I’m throwing it right back at her
While we’re drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over?
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware

I sit in this house alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
Like cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
That half of my soul’s on the road in a car with a girl in a dress

And see, it’s making it hard for me to breathe

When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say, I’m right, you’re wrong

We both lose to win…


The goodbye waves in the driveway, they just resonate

And yes, I’m throwing it right back at her
While we’re drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over?
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here…

So, hey now, maybe it’s being stupid
Hey, maybe we’re just being dumb
Hey, maybe it’s time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind, we are one
And how at first, it’s made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread

Because I love you and you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said, I love you and you love me
And nothing will make make make make this leave

So remember me, yeah.
Remember me, yeah.
Remember me…

Don’t
walk away.


One of the things I love so much about the song is how it comes full circle. From asking her to walk away from the fight–because fights are so unpleasant. Who would want to deal with one? Why make matters worse?–to asking her not to walk away. To stay. To work it out. [sigh] I love it.

And yes, Dustin and I are fine. We are so in love.

A home away from home.

The trip to College Station over the weekend was very successful. I now have a place to move into next month, which takes an enormous weight off my shoulders. I still have much to stress about, mind you, but having my housing situation taken care of is huge.I am very happy and pleased with the apartment I will be moving into. A short walk across the street from my place is a nice little park for Canelo Dog and me to frequent. The apartment grounds themselves have an abundance of green space for me to walk him and plenty of those baggie-dispensers for cleaning up after dogs (that’s how you know an apartment complex is pet-friendly). There are also two swimming pools, two jacuzzis, two lighted basketball courts, two lighted tennis courts, a sand volleyball court, a twenty-four hour fitness center, gazebo-covered grills spotted across the grounds, and on-site laundry facilities. Flippin’ perfect. Water, gas, cable, and high-speed internet are included in my rent, which is very nice because it means less bills for me to pay. The bus route includes three stops along the complex and, best of all… HUGE WALK-IN CLOSETS. I am so thrilled, although I do admit that I have way too much clothes!

Dustin made the trip to College Station with me, which meant more to me than I can ever tell. I need his opinion when it comes to making a huge decision like where I will be living for at least the next year if not the next four. It’s comforting to have his approval, it makes me feel more secure about the choice I have made. It was also nice to show him where I’ll be living, where I’ll be when I am away from him, where I’ll be when I tell him that I miss him. My brother mentioned that he will be driving to College Station and spending the weekend there anytime there is a home football game. I asked Dustin if he’d maybe want to ride with my brother so that he can visit me as well and not have to worry about dealing with the drive himself. I think he’s up for the idea! Depending on his Longhorns’ football schedule, I may skip out on going to the A&M games myself and instead join him in watching the Horns, which is absolutely fine with me as long as I spend time with my man. It may seem ridiculous for me to forgo watching my Aggies, but I have lived in Dallas the past five football seasons. Rarely was a game televised. I am quite accustomed to not being able to watch them! Dustin on the other hand? No way he can miss a game, so UT Football it is!

As for my previous post? Long ago, I dedided to stop being a pessimist. I need to let go of that fear and enjoy all that is good and great and wonderful about our relationship. I love Dustin so much and should not allow our time together to be spoiled by my feelings of doubt and insecurity. He loves me too. He wouldn’t have made that trip to College Station with me if he didn’t. Nor would he have taken me to see the new Harry Potter movie (real talk!). I say this all the time when it comes to Dustin: I’m such a lucky gal.