This is it.

It is interesting, how I can be as equally moved and inspired by what is ugly as I am by what is beautiful.

These last few weeks have been overwhelming, and I wish I had been more committed to writing and documenting as events were happening, but I was not. So, here I am. Digging back into my memory, trying to recollect the facts and feelings and my own reactions. What a year this is shaping up to be. And we are only halfway through it.

Ask and you shall receive. I know this is a reference to a Bible verse, so it is uncharacteristic of me, an atheist, to allude to. It is just so fitting, though. I do not believe in higher beings, I haven’t for years and never will again. I do, however, believe that we live in an abundant universe that takes the cues that we send out to it and gives back to us accordingly. Perhaps it is the Law of Attraction that has caused life to give me just what I needed and even more than I asked for.

And I am grateful.

The biggest news to share is that I broke up with the fella. This will seem so out of the blue for many, but those who know me best will readily admit that it was a long time coming. I tried. I made every effort, some very desperately, to make the relationship work and to be happy in it. I focused on all that was good about it – and there was an abundance, the list could go on and on – while neglecting what was fundamentally wrong.

Neglect may not entirely be the right word. The issue was always on my mind, pulling me down from the high that I wanted to stay on. I ignored it. I banished it to the depths of my subconscious, away from present thoughts, discredited just how awful it truly was. I would bottle up each emotion associated with it, only to have outbursts of those emotions when they all became too much. Every two months or so – DRAMA. Then I would calm down and move on, allow myself to be “happy” with the way matters were.

I can’t do that anymore.

Sharing the details here is not warranted. I will not do that to him. He is not ready for this to be over, which is making this all the more difficult for me. He even asked that I not make it public just yet, I assume that he meant on Facebook. I have shared the news with some people, though. My best friends, of course, and friends at work who have noticed a change. That is the downside to having a happy and positive demeanor: the moment you go too long without smiling, everyone knows that something is up. I was asked all throughout the week if I was “okay” or if something was “wrong”. Oy.

True to my nature, though, I am focusing on being positive about this all. I absolutely believe that this is in my best interest. I need out of this relationship. This has become the year of self-rediscovery, after all. What better time to be alone? What better way to concentrate on being my true self and creating my own reality? Also, holy shit, I have the greatest friends! And goddamn, there are people out there who care about me more than I even realized! I have received so many messages of encouragement, expressions of support, words of advice. I have been told that my happiness is what is important, that I can be strong, I can get past this.

I had a friend, a fairly new one, take me out to dinner the other night. Another is taking me out tonight. I have had multiple people offer me a place to stay if need be (the fact that I live with the fella is a complicated aspect of this ordeal). A group of gals has planned an outing next weekend since, oh-by-the-way, my birthday is coming up. One friend told me I can have him bring his trailer if I need to move things out. Another friend said that not only am I welcome to stay at his place, but he is also willing to drive me to work every morning. Say whaaaaa?

It is all almost unbearably sweet! So much love is overwhelming. And beautiful, no doubt. It is so undeniably beautiful. My goodness.

I will be staying put, however, crazy as that may seem to most. I talked things over with the fella yesterday – a calm, mature conversation. Our lease is not up until February, I have three critters to move, we have possessions to divide. There is no need to act hastily here. We agreed to live together until it is more feasible for each of us to move. I do love the man, I bear him no ill will, and I know he loves me as well. We can remain amicable, we can continue being each other’s support, we can be friends, I believe, and strongly hope. Once again, this is me being the eternal optimist. I cannot help myself, y’all.

That is it. There is nothing else I would like to share about this. The rest is reserved.

Ugghhh. I am struggling to publish this…

Here goes.

I just wanted to write

I don’t even know what I want to write about. That’s not a good way to start. It’s been so long since I have written, though, that I feel that it’s necessary for me to sit down and do it.

This year is off to a good start. Surprisingly, I have actually kept busy this month because just as shockingly, I have been willing to leave home and venture into the cold when I am invited out. This is unusual for me – I usually make every excuse to stay home during the winter months because bundling up and facing low temps? Not my idea of a good time. Ugh, awful. Just awful.

BUT…

Last year, I made a new friend. Back up: last year, I got a new job, made several new friends there, and one of them introduced to my new special (I guess?) friend. Jeezus, I already have multiple “best” friends, it’s hard for me to call her that because then the word “best” loses its meaning, doesn’t it? She does fit the description of a best friend, though. A person’s closest friend. That makes her a best friend, right?

She is. She totally is. In a span of just a few months, she has become one of my closest friends. We talk every day and typically see each other every weekend. I love spending time with her, we clicked from the moment we met (sober… the first time we met sober, because the first time we really met, I was trashed and do not remember a thing. HA!), she gets my sense of humor and personality, she is just as goofy/random/happy as I am, and I wish we had met YEARS ago. She is a loving human being, selfless, perfectly flawed, unabashedly affectionate. I adore her.

I am very thankful that I met and befriended her, and I truly hope it shows. She is so easy to talk to, someone I know I can trust, someone I know will not be judgmental nor try to lecture me. Also, with her as a friend, I have been going to new places, seeking new adventures, and meeting new people (including her wonderful and fascinating circle of friends). I get out more since I met her, which is fantastic, really.

Remember when I used to sit around at home on weekends thinking that everyone was having fun without me? (Don’t feel too bad for me – I am referring to a time ten years in the past.) Not so much anymore. January actually flew by because of how busy she and I keep ourselves, having a good time and whatnot, and this means that I only have to suffer through February before springtime commences its beautiful return. We… are… SO… close!

Anyway. Yes. Hoolie. Awesome. Bestie. I love her. Bottom line.

Since I am on the topic of seasons, though, you know what I hate? Getting out of bed before the sun has even risen. It is so sad to me. I wish I could naturally awaken every day to the sensation of solar rays on my face rather than hearing my phone play the least obnoxious soundbite I could find on it that could be used as an alarm. Ugghhh. It is just not right, it isn’t. And I realized this morning that while every year for the past decade I have looked forward to the beginning of Daylight Saving Time, this year, I am not. For the first time in ten years, I get out of work at a decent enough hour, which grants me time to enjoy at least some sunlight. I haven’t felt the darkness, the lack of doses of sun, so much this winter. But with the clocks “springing” forward next month? Boooooooo. Darkness in the mornings… The struggle will continue.

Woe is me.

I should be grateful for days like today, and yesterday, and the day before. I have been off these past three days and have, in fact, slept in until the brightness met my eyes. The weather has also been pleasantly warm and I could not appreciate it more. This is why I love Texas. This, and all my friends and family of course, is why I cannot see myself leaving. I love warmth and I love sunshine. Again, I am waiting as patiently as I can for spring and summer to arrive.

In other news, my fella and I have renewed our lease! We have wrapped up nearly two years of living together and I’d say we’ve done well. Easy peasy for the most part. Only for the most part. I realized not too long ago that a lot of the issues that I felt we had last year had to do with me wanting space, wanting to live on my own. I just about jumped out of my seat when I read an article reporting that Shonda Rhimes, of Grey’s Anatomy fame, openly discussed that marriage was not for her, nor was cohabitation. She did not want to share a home with a man, regardless of whether or not she was in love with him. I read it and thought, “Yes! I agree! It is not for everyone, it may not even be for me!”

Is it for me? How have I STILL not figured this out? Geesh. Hahaha.

All I know is that for now, I am happy. We will just have to see what the future holds. And looking back to the past (as in the last year), it’s true. I did need space. I wanted to be my own person and do my own thing. Sometimes, I felt that he was holding me back, questioning my motives, not understanding my needs, and perhaps being too judgmental whenever I would decide to do something without him. I think this is where a lot of my frustration with our relationship stemmed from (there were other issues, but those are not for discussion here). It wasn’t all his fault, either. I could not go anywhere alone without someone asking, “Where’s Dustin?” or “Why didn’t Dustin come?” or something along those lines.

Oh, it aggravated me so. Like, shit, y’all. I’m here! 

Haha. What a drama queen, to let that bother me. Again, I just like being an individual. I will never be of those who believe that two people become one. Uh, no. That’s just dumb.

Anyhow, yes! We renewed our lease and I felt all sorts of squishy things on the inside as we both initialed paperwork and signed our names. Our relationship, I feel, is on the right track. I am now enjoying being myself and going off on adventures as I please, but more importantly, we have been doing more together as well. What I have figured in spending more quality time with him is that I really like the guy. I have loved him and continue to do so, that has never been in question. But I now realize that I like him. This is someone who I would want in my life even if I had no chance at being in a romantic relationship with him, even if we had been destined to be friends and nothing more, even if I did not get to know him in the way only a soulmate can know him. I believe feeling this way towards him is meaningful and this is why I know that he and I will be just fine. I only hope that he has similar feels for me. Something tells me that he does…

Man. That is quite a lot for someone who had no idea what she wanted to write about. Have a pleasant week, all. I hope you all have wonderful things to look forward to and smile about. 🙂

The best week

Here I am again, ending another year.

I tend to spend about a month anticipating the last week of the year, preparing for it, building it up. Then it hits, with ridiculous excitement and an abundance of love, I am overwhelmed and overjoyed – Christmas, Dustin’s birthday, our anniversary, New Year’s Eve – all crammed into one short week. And just as quickly as it arrives, it passes. The new year begins, and I am left thinking, “Now what?”

The truth is that I despise the beginning of the year. I realize that many see it as an opportunity for a fresh start and all that nonsense, but I don’t. One can create a new beginning at any point, not just January. I instead see the first few months of the year as underwhelming in comparison to December, bleak and desolate by cause of the dreary weather, and seemingly never ending as I await all that is wonderful about springtime (blooming flowers, longer days, warmer weather, baseball, etc, etc…).

It just seems as though there is nothing for me to be excited about throughout January and February.

I suppose I could set new goals for myself, not necessarily as resolutions, but because I recently met my marathon goal and need something else to keep me busy. Just last week I was sitting outside eating lunch with my coworker (friend, really) when I noted that my one-year anniversary of working at ADC was coming up. This led us to reflect on the year that has passed, all we have achieved, what we would have liked to achieve, and what we see ourselves striving for in the upcoming year. That’s a lie. He talked about his planned endeavors, lofty and inspiring they be. Me? I got nothing.

What to do, what to do.

Study and refresh my memory enough to retake national boards and finally get my license? I allowed my registration to expire years ago because I was broke and unsure about what I wanted to do with myself. But now may be the time to smarten up and get it done. I always yearn to be a more creative person. Perhaps I could take up art journaling, combining that with writing, drawing, photography, and calligraphy? Health and fitness-wise, how do I top running a marathon?! Improve on my time? Get as close to a Boston-esque pace as I can? Train for a duathlon perhaps? I’d have to get a proper bike for that… Yikes. I should probably stick to running and only cycle for funsies.

Meh, I will figure it out. It took half a year to decide to run Dallas, after all. We shall see.

For the present moment, I will continue to focus on this week and all the celebrating left to do. My bestie also happens to be back from Colorado and I am anxious to see her and play catch-up. I am hoping that we can reunite tomorrow.

Today has been somewhat uneventful, which is probably a good thing. Last night, my fella went out with friends while I stayed home for a quiet night in. I made myself dinner, watched an HBO documentary, did some light cleaning, and simply relaxed (yes, cleaning is relaxing to me because catharsis, you know?). I went to bed a little past midnight – the fella and I had taken naps together in the afternoon so I was not terribly tired – and looked forward to an early start to the following day.

It was not to be.

According to my phone’s log, I took a call from the fella at 2:22 am this morning. He asked me to help him – he was outside, not far from our apartment, and had apparently taken a nasty spill. There is a pond in the center of our complex, below what I consider ground level (i.e. the level upon which the apartment buildings are standing). A path leads from the leasing office, where Dustin’s Uber driver dropped him off (hooray for him being responsible and not driving, right?), to the lot in front of our building. The path is actually part of a retaining wall and along it is a five to six-foot vertical drop down to the pond’s level. Not very safe for lonely, inebriated men trying to get home in the pitch black night. One misstep over the ledge and down you go…

Poor fella.

When I reached him, he was lying on his back and moaning in pain. It took all I had in me to help him up and start making our way home. He told me his right ankle was too painful and that he could not bear weight on it so I had him throw his right arm around me and bore the weight for him. What a task!

I cannot lie, I was extremely annoyed. I had been awakened from my sleep to deal with drunkenness. Of course, he was belligerent, too! Once inside our place, he immediately allowed himself to fall to the floor, which further infuriated me because I knew I would have to do the work to get him up all over again. I wanted to scream at him to get his shit together and get himself to our bed.

Oh, but his face was one as full of sorrow as it was of pain. How many times has he dealt with my own inebriated shenanigans? And is this not our week? The week we celebrate finally meeting and starting our relationship? Our relationship that has been through so much turbulence in its nearly six-year length, yet still manages to work somehow and generate happiness. We may not be married (not complaining, just stating the fact), but in sickness and in health, yes?

I helped him to bed, removed his shoes, and asked if he had hit his head. He was ranting about the night he had, so I chose not to bother with trying to get an answer out of him and instead checked his head for injury myself. I got a little peace of mind from not finding any evidence of wounds and decided that it was safe for him to sleep. After repeated apologies to me, he finally succumbed and was silent.

This morning, I walked to the store to buy him a Naked Juice to help with his hangover and Advil to help with his injury. It was not his ankle that was hurt – it was his foot. That thing is so swollen it looks like Bobby’s feet from Bobby’s World. A short while ago, I taped it up to hopefully get the inflammation to subside. [sigh]

He is so lucky I love him.

But I am also lucky to have him.

Hmm. Suddenly, I am more excited to celebrate him and celebrate us. I think we’re gonna make it, that guy and me. The uncertainty that reigned over me this year is finally waning and I find myself being reminded of all the reasons I fell for him in the first place. He… He has been more mindful, I must say. I needed that. It has made all the difference and I feel the next phase of our romance making its welcome debut.

Yes, I needed that.

LOLs

Today, I have laughed and laughed. Laughter is the best medicine, especially when you share it with others. It also warms you up, agreed? It is so nice to be surrounded by people who share my sense of humor. People who can laugh with me make the best friends. I can laugh with Dustin all day, which is probably one of the reasons why our relationship works. I love that guy.

All I want to do is laugh. If you make my laugh, I will love you. If I can make you laugh, I will be happy.