Another day to celebrate Mom!

I wish people would say things to my face instead of running their mouths behind my back. Toughen up and be real. Intimidated much? Then do not say anything in the first place, and certainly DO NOT act as though you want to be my friend otherwise. That is unbecoming of people our age. C’mon now.

Mama taught me early on to stay away from the likes of you. Gente podrida. No te llegan a los talones y no valen la pena.

Mother knows best. She is the reason I am writing again tonight.

I wanted to write yesterday, but the weather won me over. It was a gorgeous day – clear, sunny, and warm, with skies such a sweet blue, I understand why Bryce Avary croons as he does. I spent the majority of the day indoors, unfortunately. From the moment I stepped into my work at 7:15 am until the moment I stepped out at 5:15 pm – not a single second was spent outdoors. It was too hectic, but such is the field of medicine. It is what we signed up for.

When I was able to leave, I went straight home. I changed out of my filthy scrubs, grabbed my pup’s leash, and headed right back out the door with him. I took him out on a mini-hike along the creek and wooded area that lie between our apartments and the animal shelter. Wooden crates strategically placed in the shallowest parts of the creek serve as crossing stones for us adventurous city dwellers. I learned that Pup is not apprehensive about being in water (yay!) and that having him fully vaccinated was definitely in our best interest (since he decided to have himself a drink). We splashed a bit, he sat and allowed me to take photos, I was able to soak up some rays, and all felt well.

We were out for at least an hour, until we started losing the sun. I repeat, I emphasize: I am thrilled that Daylight Saving Time is upon us! More light! More adventure! Happiness!!!

Back home afterwards: dinner, packing, shower, bed. No time for writing about…

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!

Hence me wanting to write about Mom. The woman who has empowered me since I can remember.

The woman who bragged about her first-grader who learned to read and write in both Spanish and English. The woman who set me up to be a brainiac by enlisting me in my schools’ math and science teams. She displayed my trophies (and those of my brother) all in the living room, and dusted them carefully as needed. She saved all the certificates and awards we ever received. Where are our high school diplomas and college degrees? Her house, of course, because in a sense, she earned them. They belong to her, too.

When I was a teenager, she would go on and on about how unique and creative I was because I would piece together one-of-a-kind outfits from thrift store finds. Did she annoy people when she talked about how I could pull off any outfit and how I wore clothes well, like a model? When people complimented my hairstyle back in my college years, she enjoyed telling them that I saved money by cutting it myself. If I ever post a photo of myself on Facebook, Mom always comments that I am gorgeous, even if I am purposely making an awful face in the photo, a habit I picked up from Dad.

Years ago, I let her know that I will never have children because I don’t want to. She responded by praising me for knowing myself well enough to recognize that motherhood is not for me. She commended me for not bringing a child into the world if I am not going to be 100% devoted to my role as a parent. She said there were already many children who looked up to me and loved me, kids to influence, and there would be more (she was right). She instructed me to live my life and be happy.

When I came out as an atheist, she quickly claimed that I am a better person than most people who call themselves Christian. She encouraged me to be myself and to continue on helping others, especially the little critters I love so much.

I informed her I was going vegan… she had seen it coming and took it as a challenge to learn new recipes and modify her dishes she already knew I loved. She researched what to be wary of, found replacements for common ingredients, and obviously bragged about my willpower to stick to such a limited diet. She even started shopping at Whole Foods. My sweet little frugal Mexican mom!

To this day, although I have done it for over a decade, she loves telling folks that I save animals for a living and do much more for them outside of work. She tells that it shows I have a huge heart. She says that with immense pride, I can tell.

She loves that I am passionate about social justice and civil rights. She reminds me of this often. She asks me who she should vote for and why… adorbs!  She admires my sense of adventure, my youthful spirit, and my unrelenting humor, all traits she acknowledges I inherited from Dad and not herself. She is happy I have them regardless.

I did pick up plenty from her, mind you. My compassion and empathy, my want to help others: gifts from Mom. I still do not feel that I am as selfless as she is, and doubt that I ever will be. My goodness, that woman does not know how to say no to pleas for help, even when she should! I continue to strive to be as nurturing as she is, and to be as great a friend. People love my mom. She is adored and respected.

I admit I am stubborn like she is. Perhaps I should not be proud of this, but I get it from my mama so fuck it! Oh, my potty mouth. Yup. Got that from her as well.

¡Daisy, cabrona!

In short, she is the woman I admired first and she is the woman I admire most. I grew up with a wonderful role model right in my home! Now, here I am about to take on a new phase in life, and I am undaunted. How could I be with her in my corner, her hugs and words of encouragement readily available to me? Her protective nature ready to strike if need be?

Do not mess with us chingonas. ❤

Happy belated Women’s Day, ladies. Much, much love.

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Here comes the sun.

The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous, it has been everything I have needed to keep a clear mind and a peaceful existence. I have been dressing for warmth, wearing less layers, feeling less weighed down. Give me this always, Universe!!!

Look, there is something about my legs.

When it is below freezing outside, you will find me completing my runs, however long they may be – 3 miles, 10 miles, whatever – in running shorts with my legs entirely exposed. I feel so confined in pants. I have been told that I just haven’t found the right pair, that I may need to see running pants as an investment and pay extra bucks for “high quality”, but I call bullshit. I just do not like them, end of discussion. They restrict my range in motion, I am limited, and I cannot handle that. I need my range in motion.

One night last month, Che and I went to a show in my old East Dallas neighborhood to see a band that only he, out of all my friends and acquaintances, has also heard of. The weather that day had been pleasantly warm, but I was fully aware that once the sun set, temperatures would drop and covering up would be necessary. Meh – I wore a dress anyhow, sans tights underneath, and simply threw a jacket on (my arms aren’t quite as tough). We ended up parking several blocks from the restaurant where we had decided to do some pregaming, and Che became needlessly concerned for my comfort when we got out of his car to start walking. In actuality, all I wanted was to dance through the streets, boogie my way towards our destination, to let my legs loose with the freedom that a few extra degrees on the thermometer had afforded them. I felt good.

I have continued to feel good, because we have not had much of a winter. Oh, how I dreaded this winter, without my pup and having to finish out my lease (Updates #2 and #3 coming soon!). The weather has stayed reasonably warm for the most part, however. Lately? I have worn nothing but dresses, let my legs roam free, save for when I am at work and when I am running. It has been lovely, I have been lovely. As it turns out, I had little to dread at all.

———————

Last night, my best friend and I (after watching the new Fifty Shades movie LOL) enjoyed patio time at a bar in the neighborhood that I will be moving to. We updated each other on our personal lives (so much can happen in the nine days you go without seeing one another), but mostly discussed how we both want to approach the current state of our country.

The election of Trump has motivated her to become more involved and active, which I must say makes me happy. Silver lining, y’all. There has been an awakening, people are angry, people are learning how they can make a difference, and they are doing it. We are doing it. I know what we are capable of, I have seen Southwest Airlines drop SeaWorld after we protested outside their headquarters, Ringling Bros is no more after years of protests at their shows, Dallas Animal Services received more funding after showing up and speaking at city council meetings, resolutions and platforms were passed and adopted at our state Democratic convention. There is power in numbers and persistence. Nobody can deny that.

Bestie asked me for guidance in fighting the fight. I am inviting her to every meeting, every round-up, every rally. We have already attended a few events together, and that piece of shit hasn’t even been in office for a month. We shall do good together. I could not be more grateful to have her as a best friend, nor could I be more proud.

After having enough to drink, we closed our tabs and made our way back inside the bar and out the main entrance. Quiet. Calm. Peaceful. Surprising for a Saturday night – a very nice one at that. We walked about fifteen or twenty feet and passed a gate to a residential entry. I pulled my phone out to open an email I received from the leasing office just after I had been approved for my place. The address (my address) in the email matched the address posted on that gate. You see, the property is made up of ten buildings in the area, and although I had an idea of the general location of mine, I could not point it out with certainty. That was it, though. No doubt anymore.

I looked up at my beautiful new building, looked around at what could potentially be my view, and once again became elated. Once we looked around enough, we headed back to Bestie’s car, a walk that I am sure will become very familiar to me and my friends. Can… not… wait.

———————

In short, my year is off to a wonderful start. I feel empowered, inspired, admired, and loved. When moving is out of the way and I have settled down a bit, my intention is to become even more busy. I have resigned from volunteering at Operation Kindness since it will no longer be a short walk from where I live. As much as I will miss it, my plan is to volunteer at the Humane Society instead, which will also mean seeing my other best friend Cent (she is the assistant director there) more frequently. I absolutely hate the saying, but two birds, you know?

And of course, there will be plenty of work to do for the disenfranchised. Ready for it.

So take that, seasonal affective disorder! You are not getting this gal. Daylight Saving time will begin one month from today, spring will follow shortly thereafter, the threat of winter weather will continue to decrease, the days will get longer, and I will be even happier.

Yes. Here comes the sun.

Thoughts on a Thursday night.

I gave a guy my number.

He asked me for it, and made sure to use it the very next day, a good thing since I myself wouldn’t have known how to proceed. I haven’t given a guy my number in seven years. This is new to me once more, just as it was when I was a young(er). Whoa, man.

It has hit me like a ton of bricks that I do not know how to date. Color me clueless. The last time I did, I was in my mid-twenties. I am now in my early thirties, a somewhat different person with a significantly different outlook and entirely different expectations. The truth is, I don’t want to date casually. I do know that much. What a waste of time and energy. If shit is going to happen, then it will happen. The effort I am willing to put in will be minimal, just like it was with the fella, way back in 2009.

He made it so easy. He asked for my number, he texted me every day, he asked to spend time with me, he asked me to be his girlfriend, he told me was falling in love with me. All this within two months. EASY. That is how it will have to be with any new potential relationship. Who bothers with wondering and playing the guessing game? Not this gal. Gross.

New Guy will have to be direct and not keep me guessing.

If anything, though, I am happy about this development because:

  • I am noticed, I can attract.
  • I was approachable.
  • I wasn’t trying. I had not noticed this guy until he was right in front of me dancing to Frank Sinatra.
  • I did not have to text him first. I was not even given the chance to think about him first, let alone be the one to initiate the messaging.

Go Daisy, right? For real, though, this will likely not go anywhere. Hahaha. Okay by me, honestly. I still live with the fella after all, and this could only lead to awkwardness, something I would very much like to avoid. Awkward situations were my thing ten years ago – not so much anymore. So hooray for me, way to go, but let me get back to just doing my thing for now, mmmkay?

My thing right now continues to be just becoming the best version of myself I can possibly be. I am becoming my happiest self as well. It is impressive how much happier I am since exiting a relationship that had become both draining and stressful. My inner spirit is so much more positive, hopeful, joyful. Also, I am damn proud of myself for being bold enough to walk away from a situation that was not adding to my joy. No settling here, folks. Now, at least once a week, I am tempted to share with anyone who will pay attention: I am so happy!

It’s the truth. I am so happy.

Happy Daisy days.

There is more news to share, by the way!

MexiBestie is moving back to Dallas! It is happening: I am getting my best friend back. Oh, life: there you go giving me exactly what I have asked for once more. You are amazing. It has been almost a year without her and that was long enough! Thank goodness her fiance lives here, it works to my advantage! Thank goodness her job made moves for this to happen, including re-imagining the territories she manages. This is incredible. Oh, man, it would have been so nice to have had her here when The Breakup happened. Ufff. Ah, well. I am getting her back soon and that’s all that matters!

In other news, no pretty way to segue into this, I am reading a new book, E-Squared, by Pam Grout. The premise of the book is that there is an energy field all around us, and we are perfectly able to harness that energy to create our own reality. There is a series of nine experiments that readers are to perform in a span of twenty-one days to prove this to themselves. I am currently still reading background information, a few explanations here and there, and the author’s own testimony. I am hoping to start my own experimentation soon. Stay tuned! This could get exciting!

I will likely not read tomorrow, however. I have been granted a four-day weekend with tomorrow being the first of my days off. Am I the luckiest gal or what? My plan is to ride the train to downtown Dallas and wander about the Dallas Museum of Art for a while. Lately, I have been absorbing just about everything that could possibly benefit me and so, I want to surround myself with beauty and allow it to inspire me. I plan on packing some art supplies and my camera to see what happens (until I get hungry). Then, a visit to my Mom’s and my Grandma’s will follow since they both live near downtown. Homecooked vegan Mexican food, here I come!

Does that not sound lovely? I am very much looking forward to tomorrow. What a wonderful way to live!

Be blessed!

Ten minutes

Free writing. Just for kicks, until 6:00 pm.

I have twenty minutes.

Today, I decided that as soon as I get home – and as long as Canelo Dog is not desperate to go for a walk – I will sit at my desk and simply see what happens. I love my desk. I love all the treasures its single drawer holds: multiple flash drives, paper, colored pencils, cameras, markers, a scrapbook, a stationary set, photographs, old mail. Just underneath it, books are stacked neatly just to the side of where my feet rest. Books about photography, writing, calligraphy, drawing, mindfulness, and more. A basket with a plethora of acrylic paint tubes and a plastic Texas Rangers cup holding a variety of paint brushes sit between the right side of my desk and the wall that isn’t much of a wall. It is almost entirely window. I also love windows, because I love natural light.

My desk is inspiring. I want to create or learn every time I sit at it. I reflect. It is my own little space, the most personal space that exists for me.

I need a more comfortable chair for my desk…

How am I?

I am well. It seems that almost daily, I am asked how I am doing, feeling, holding up.

Uh oh. Canelo Dog is up. Time to go. So much for twenty minutes.

He is my favorite priority.

On the road again.

There is this calm feeling of relief that has resulted from having honest and open conversations with people I fully trust. The usual suspects – family, mentors, and old friends. Newcomers as well, oddly enough. How can I be so trusting? No, the true question is – How can people so worthy still exist and, even more puzzling, how do I keep finding them? This month, I have spilled so much, overshared, exposed myself, and it has all been quite cathartic, like starting fresh. What perfect timing, too.

There is no denying that January through March of every year is my period of inactivity, my season of uninspiredness (is that a word?). Actually, March is always promising. March is when the awakening tends to begin, when my rational mind begins to prep itself for all that my imagination allows itself to concoct. This is why clearing it through spoken word has been so relevant!

The process of re-discovering myself is going swimmingly, I am happy to say. No, wait… I am happy. Period. I have reflected and been reminded of all that is positive, all that makes me feel alive, all that makes me feel that, yes, my life is purposeful. This has induced happiness.

I am reverting to my old ways, something that may seem like a backward step, but no, it’s not. I can remember my happiest year very well, and all that made it so. It was 2009. I was twenty-four. This is what made me:

  • Family. I lived with my Mom on a street that my Grandma and two other aunts also live on. I saw my little cousins nearly daily. I ran around outside with them, would take them to the park at the end of the street, sometimes even go on bike rides (this was before the Santa Fe Trail was completed. Ugh. Life would have been so much easier for us if it had already existed then). At any given time, I could step out the front door, take a few steps and be with my favorite people. It was incredible.
  • Health. In 2008, I became a pescetarian. A few months into that venture, I went full vegetarian. My body thanked me, and when 2009 rolled around, I was the healthiest I had ever been in my life. What a way to start a year. With my new found energy, I started running and started cycling. I got out more…
  • Getting out. Geeze, I spent so much time outdoors. Even if it meant simply sitting on the amazing porch at my Mom’s place. I have already mentioned taking the kiddos to the park, running, and cycling. I was outside ALL THE TIME. I took in doses of fresh (“fresh”… I do live in the city) air and sunshine constantly. Such awesomeness.
  • Making a difference. I was still working at the SPCA of Texas at the beginning of the year. When I left that job to do an internship at a veterinary hospital, I got a part-time job at The Humane Society. My heart belongs to animals, and shelter animals are some of my favorite. My being felt so fulfilled from loving on those critters every day. I almost felt heroic.
  • Falling in love. For the first time in my life, I fell in love. I fell fast and hard and so did he. We did not hold back. It was such an astouding rush, completely unlike what I had expected. Better! Who knew I had it in me to love like that? How could I ever guess that this cute guy I met on Facebook could make me feel like the most important person on the planet? Damn.
  • Cementing friendships. This is when I started forming lasting friendships. Not the type that were fleeting because oh, we aren’t in the same classes this semester, we don’t work together anymore, you have a boyfriend now, you moved to the other side of DFW, etc. At this point, I started going out of my way to maintain my friendships, to stay in touch and decidedly make an effort to spend time with my pals. All worth it. Those people are still my ride-or-dies, as they say.
  • Achievement. I got another degree and became an RVT, yo! Go me!

Obviously, I cannot repeat many of these things. I will not be moving back in with my Mom, I will not go back to working at an animal shelter, I cannot go vegetarian again. I can mimic some of those moves, though. Spend more time at my Mom’s, start volunteering at the shelter again, clean up my diet. I can continue to build strong friendships, I can continue being active, I can fall in love all over again, I can take some sort of class somewhere, I guess, and continue educating myself. Why not?

Yikes, I’m sleepy. This is not my cleanest of posts. This has been a bit of a free-write entry, but it may be just what I needed. I have been getting so much of “just what I needed” as of lately, sometimes it seems unbelievable. I am so excited for next month, for how much further I will get on this road to wherever it is I am going.

It is good to be me.

I just wanted to write

I don’t even know what I want to write about. That’s not a good way to start. It’s been so long since I have written, though, that I feel that it’s necessary for me to sit down and do it.

This year is off to a good start. Surprisingly, I have actually kept busy this month because just as shockingly, I have been willing to leave home and venture into the cold when I am invited out. This is unusual for me – I usually make every excuse to stay home during the winter months because bundling up and facing low temps? Not my idea of a good time. Ugh, awful. Just awful.

BUT…

Last year, I made a new friend. Back up: last year, I got a new job, made several new friends there, and one of them introduced to my new special (I guess?) friend. Jeezus, I already have multiple “best” friends, it’s hard for me to call her that because then the word “best” loses its meaning, doesn’t it? She does fit the description of a best friend, though. A person’s closest friend. That makes her a best friend, right?

She is. She totally is. In a span of just a few months, she has become one of my closest friends. We talk every day and typically see each other every weekend. I love spending time with her, we clicked from the moment we met (sober… the first time we met sober, because the first time we really met, I was trashed and do not remember a thing. HA!), she gets my sense of humor and personality, she is just as goofy/random/happy as I am, and I wish we had met YEARS ago. She is a loving human being, selfless, perfectly flawed, unabashedly affectionate. I adore her.

I am very thankful that I met and befriended her, and I truly hope it shows. She is so easy to talk to, someone I know I can trust, someone I know will not be judgmental nor try to lecture me. Also, with her as a friend, I have been going to new places, seeking new adventures, and meeting new people (including her wonderful and fascinating circle of friends). I get out more since I met her, which is fantastic, really.

Remember when I used to sit around at home on weekends thinking that everyone was having fun without me? (Don’t feel too bad for me – I am referring to a time ten years in the past.) Not so much anymore. January actually flew by because of how busy she and I keep ourselves, having a good time and whatnot, and this means that I only have to suffer through February before springtime commences its beautiful return. We… are… SO… close!

Anyway. Yes. Hoolie. Awesome. Bestie. I love her. Bottom line.

Since I am on the topic of seasons, though, you know what I hate? Getting out of bed before the sun has even risen. It is so sad to me. I wish I could naturally awaken every day to the sensation of solar rays on my face rather than hearing my phone play the least obnoxious soundbite I could find on it that could be used as an alarm. Ugghhh. It is just not right, it isn’t. And I realized this morning that while every year for the past decade I have looked forward to the beginning of Daylight Saving Time, this year, I am not. For the first time in ten years, I get out of work at a decent enough hour, which grants me time to enjoy at least some sunlight. I haven’t felt the darkness, the lack of doses of sun, so much this winter. But with the clocks “springing” forward next month? Boooooooo. Darkness in the mornings… The struggle will continue.

Woe is me.

I should be grateful for days like today, and yesterday, and the day before. I have been off these past three days and have, in fact, slept in until the brightness met my eyes. The weather has also been pleasantly warm and I could not appreciate it more. This is why I love Texas. This, and all my friends and family of course, is why I cannot see myself leaving. I love warmth and I love sunshine. Again, I am waiting as patiently as I can for spring and summer to arrive.

In other news, my fella and I have renewed our lease! We have wrapped up nearly two years of living together and I’d say we’ve done well. Easy peasy for the most part. Only for the most part. I realized not too long ago that a lot of the issues that I felt we had last year had to do with me wanting space, wanting to live on my own. I just about jumped out of my seat when I read an article reporting that Shonda Rhimes, of Grey’s Anatomy fame, openly discussed that marriage was not for her, nor was cohabitation. She did not want to share a home with a man, regardless of whether or not she was in love with him. I read it and thought, “Yes! I agree! It is not for everyone, it may not even be for me!”

Is it for me? How have I STILL not figured this out? Geesh. Hahaha.

All I know is that for now, I am happy. We will just have to see what the future holds. And looking back to the past (as in the last year), it’s true. I did need space. I wanted to be my own person and do my own thing. Sometimes, I felt that he was holding me back, questioning my motives, not understanding my needs, and perhaps being too judgmental whenever I would decide to do something without him. I think this is where a lot of my frustration with our relationship stemmed from (there were other issues, but those are not for discussion here). It wasn’t all his fault, either. I could not go anywhere alone without someone asking, “Where’s Dustin?” or “Why didn’t Dustin come?” or something along those lines.

Oh, it aggravated me so. Like, shit, y’all. I’m here! 

Haha. What a drama queen, to let that bother me. Again, I just like being an individual. I will never be of those who believe that two people become one. Uh, no. That’s just dumb.

Anyhow, yes! We renewed our lease and I felt all sorts of squishy things on the inside as we both initialed paperwork and signed our names. Our relationship, I feel, is on the right track. I am now enjoying being myself and going off on adventures as I please, but more importantly, we have been doing more together as well. What I have figured in spending more quality time with him is that I really like the guy. I have loved him and continue to do so, that has never been in question. But I now realize that I like him. This is someone who I would want in my life even if I had no chance at being in a romantic relationship with him, even if we had been destined to be friends and nothing more, even if I did not get to know him in the way only a soulmate can know him. I believe feeling this way towards him is meaningful and this is why I know that he and I will be just fine. I only hope that he has similar feels for me. Something tells me that he does…

Man. That is quite a lot for someone who had no idea what she wanted to write about. Have a pleasant week, all. I hope you all have wonderful things to look forward to and smile about. 🙂

The best week

Here I am again, ending another year.

I tend to spend about a month anticipating the last week of the year, preparing for it, building it up. Then it hits, with ridiculous excitement and an abundance of love, I am overwhelmed and overjoyed – Christmas, Dustin’s birthday, our anniversary, New Year’s Eve – all crammed into one short week. And just as quickly as it arrives, it passes. The new year begins, and I am left thinking, “Now what?”

The truth is that I despise the beginning of the year. I realize that many see it as an opportunity for a fresh start and all that nonsense, but I don’t. One can create a new beginning at any point, not just January. I instead see the first few months of the year as underwhelming in comparison to December, bleak and desolate by cause of the dreary weather, and seemingly never ending as I await all that is wonderful about springtime (blooming flowers, longer days, warmer weather, baseball, etc, etc…).

It just seems as though there is nothing for me to be excited about throughout January and February.

I suppose I could set new goals for myself, not necessarily as resolutions, but because I recently met my marathon goal and need something else to keep me busy. Just last week I was sitting outside eating lunch with my coworker (friend, really) when I noted that my one-year anniversary of working at ADC was coming up. This led us to reflect on the year that has passed, all we have achieved, what we would have liked to achieve, and what we see ourselves striving for in the upcoming year. That’s a lie. He talked about his planned endeavors, lofty and inspiring they be. Me? I got nothing.

What to do, what to do.

Study and refresh my memory enough to retake national boards and finally get my license? I allowed my registration to expire years ago because I was broke and unsure about what I wanted to do with myself. But now may be the time to smarten up and get it done. I always yearn to be a more creative person. Perhaps I could take up art journaling, combining that with writing, drawing, photography, and calligraphy? Health and fitness-wise, how do I top running a marathon?! Improve on my time? Get as close to a Boston-esque pace as I can? Train for a duathlon perhaps? I’d have to get a proper bike for that… Yikes. I should probably stick to running and only cycle for funsies.

Meh, I will figure it out. It took half a year to decide to run Dallas, after all. We shall see.

For the present moment, I will continue to focus on this week and all the celebrating left to do. My bestie also happens to be back from Colorado and I am anxious to see her and play catch-up. I am hoping that we can reunite tomorrow.

Today has been somewhat uneventful, which is probably a good thing. Last night, my fella went out with friends while I stayed home for a quiet night in. I made myself dinner, watched an HBO documentary, did some light cleaning, and simply relaxed (yes, cleaning is relaxing to me because catharsis, you know?). I went to bed a little past midnight – the fella and I had taken naps together in the afternoon so I was not terribly tired – and looked forward to an early start to the following day.

It was not to be.

According to my phone’s log, I took a call from the fella at 2:22 am this morning. He asked me to help him – he was outside, not far from our apartment, and had apparently taken a nasty spill. There is a pond in the center of our complex, below what I consider ground level (i.e. the level upon which the apartment buildings are standing). A path leads from the leasing office, where Dustin’s Uber driver dropped him off (hooray for him being responsible and not driving, right?), to the lot in front of our building. The path is actually part of a retaining wall and along it is a five to six-foot vertical drop down to the pond’s level. Not very safe for lonely, inebriated men trying to get home in the pitch black night. One misstep over the ledge and down you go…

Poor fella.

When I reached him, he was lying on his back and moaning in pain. It took all I had in me to help him up and start making our way home. He told me his right ankle was too painful and that he could not bear weight on it so I had him throw his right arm around me and bore the weight for him. What a task!

I cannot lie, I was extremely annoyed. I had been awakened from my sleep to deal with drunkenness. Of course, he was belligerent, too! Once inside our place, he immediately allowed himself to fall to the floor, which further infuriated me because I knew I would have to do the work to get him up all over again. I wanted to scream at him to get his shit together and get himself to our bed.

Oh, but his face was one as full of sorrow as it was of pain. How many times has he dealt with my own inebriated shenanigans? And is this not our week? The week we celebrate finally meeting and starting our relationship? Our relationship that has been through so much turbulence in its nearly six-year length, yet still manages to work somehow and generate happiness. We may not be married (not complaining, just stating the fact), but in sickness and in health, yes?

I helped him to bed, removed his shoes, and asked if he had hit his head. He was ranting about the night he had, so I chose not to bother with trying to get an answer out of him and instead checked his head for injury myself. I got a little peace of mind from not finding any evidence of wounds and decided that it was safe for him to sleep. After repeated apologies to me, he finally succumbed and was silent.

This morning, I walked to the store to buy him a Naked Juice to help with his hangover and Advil to help with his injury. It was not his ankle that was hurt – it was his foot. That thing is so swollen it looks like Bobby’s feet from Bobby’s WorldA short while ago, I taped it up to hopefully get the inflammation to subside. [sigh]

He is so lucky I love him.

But I am also lucky to have him.

Hmm. Suddenly, I am more excited to celebrate him and celebrate us. I think we’re gonna make it, that guy and me. The uncertainty that reigned over me this year is finally waning and I find myself being reminded of all the reasons I fell for him in the first place. He… He has been more mindful, I must say. I needed that. It has made all the difference and I feel the next phase of our romance making its welcome debut.

Yes, I needed that.

All good?

Oh, life. What are you doing to me now?

I knew that changes were imminent, I could sense it, strongly so, and this is saying a lot because I do not usually have a feel for such things. I am building new relationships, while others are getting weak, and one is oh so steady, but being thrown a curve ball.

I found out a couple weeks ago that one of my best friends – who had also been my coworker for the last two years – landed a new dream job that will actually take her back to her home state of Colorado and, obviously, away from me here in Texas. Blagh… No. The truth is that I am thrilled for her and very proud of her, of course, but it is also inevitable for me to throw myself a pity party because of how much I’ll miss her, both at work and outside of work. The fact that she was offered the job and has to move almost immediately – like, this month! – has not made things easier. [sigh] I am confident, though, that we will remain best friends regardless of the distance and regardless of not seeing each other practically every day (like we do now). And, um, hello! Like I needed another excuse to fly out to Colorado? I am going to visit her ASAP and often! I cannot wait!

Anyhow, I now find it odd to look forward to the remainder of the year now. My marathon, the new Star Wars film, shows featuring some of my favorite musicians, festivals, this holiday, that holiday, the next holiday, and the holiday after that? I won’t be sharing ANY of those experiences with my best friend. And looking forward to them means looking forward to a time when she will no longer be just a few blocks north of me. She will be 800 miles away! It’s so strange. Can we just freeze time? Or at least make it slow down? Please?

If you know me or have read earlier posts, you can likely guess that this is not the first time this year that I have made this wish. 2015…

2015 has been a tricky year filled with many changes and many questions. I am somewhat nervous to start thinking about 2016. I gave myself a deadline, one that will arrive early next year, and I fear that I am not ready to meet it. I get distracted by focusing on other aspects of my life, because they are much more entertaining. More enjoyable. Isn’t that what life’s about, though? It’s not meant to be complicated, I don’t think. It’s meant to be lived and enjoyed, especially when you, by both chance and by the circumstances you have created, find yourself with the means to do so. Right? That’s what I’m choosing.

The changes to adapt to, the decisions to be made, the challenges to face? They never stop coming, do they? But I’ll be good. My foundation is strong, and if I keep my heart well-nourished and my mind well-conditioned, I’ll be good. That’s all there is to it.

That’s all there’s to this entry as well. Toodles.

And the time, such clumsy time

I think I may need to slow down a bit. These last few weeks, I have become a bit of a social butterfly, accepting invites to just about everything, having my weekends planned in ridiculous advance with little room for wandering. It may be getting a little out of hand…

Last Friday night, I got very inebriated on what was meant to be a quiet night of drinks with a small group of girlfriends, but turned into a long night of cab rides, a random house party, interesting strangers, and drunken actions that I do not remember (and would likely regret if I did). My friends have actually filled me in on all the details that I do not recall. Why do these people keep hanging out with me?! Man. No more double IPAs for me. And no more accepting shots from friends.

Anyhow, this past weekend was more mellowed out, thankfully. The gals (they keep hanging out with me) and I made a trip to Oklahoma where we stayed in a beautiful cabin for a weekend of both relaxation and adventure. There was a lot of talking, as you can imagine. Plenty of venting and emotional pouring and mind spilling. We related to one another, gave each other advice, and expressed our love and admiration for each other. It. was. wonderful. I needed that. I am overjoyed that from my failure a few years ago came these marvelous friendships that I strongly cherish and hope to keep forever. It’s funny how life works itself out like that.

At some points during the trip, I admit, I stopped both talking and listening in order to let my mind wander. My brain started calculating and brainstorming, selfishly ignoring whatever was happening around me. The thing is that lately – all month to be exact – I had felt that I lacked the desire to do. Do what? Do it all. Create. Learn. Grow. Help. Move. I knew that I was lacking inspiration, motivation, and energy and I was desperate to find it anywhere I could. So there I was in the middle of nowhere this past weekend, being reminded that life is as beautiful as you allow yourself to perceive it and as simple as you decide to make it. What more do I need than a lovely and peaceful life to do things?

I need time.

That’s the next step: delegating time to what is most important. I do not have to have to a full calendar to feel that I am truly living. It is okay for me to politely decline invites. I can do what I want and only what I want. This year is almost one-third of the way through. In the words of Jimmy Eat World, “If not now, when?” Oh. Listening to For Me This Is Heaven is definitely what I need right now. Thank you, music.

A post about warmth and kindness

I feel that when I wear a sweater, jacket, or coat that belongs to someone I love, there is an added warmth to it. I felt this way as a child, when I would wear my parents’ sweatshirts. I felt it even more when I was in college, became homesick, and again, would dress myself in sweaters and jackets belonging to my Mom, which I would not-so-subtly snatch during my visits home. Now, it’s my boyfriend’s hoodies that do the trick. Walking my dog in the bitter cold is more bearable when I am snug in Dustin’s aroma.

There is much that I want to share and put in words, but now is not the time. I will share a little story from the previous weekend, though.

As some of you may or may not know, I do not own a car. I hate cars. I appreciate that they get me places and all, but I do not want to own one nor drive one. I rely on public transportation, my legs, and carpooling to get about. I have done so my entire adult life, and while not always convenient, I have made it work. This also keeps the environmentalist in me content.

Dustin does own a car, but it has been acting up for a few weeks and so over the weekend, I decided to walk to Target for some necessities since we couldn’t take that darn vehicle. The store is only about a mile away from our place, which is a short distance for someone who enjoys walking and running as much as I do. Surprisingly, though, Dustin decided to join me and off we went, hand in hand, chit chatting, discussing what we needed to buy, and enjoying the weather.

After getting the things we needed, we ended up looking at trees, of course, and since they were half off, we decided to look for one to put up at our place. How could we resist? We found one that we both really liked at a pretty cheap price. It was the last one so we bought it, even though we realized we would have to carry it back home.

We were likely less than a quarter of the way back, Dustin carrying the huge tree while I carried bags full of everything else we had purchased, when we noticed a car pull over ahead of us. A man stepped out of the driver’s seat and motioned for us to get in. With shock and gratitude, we accepted the offer, put the tree and bags in the car, and climbed in as well. The driver was an older gentleman and once in the car, we met his wife, a sweet old lady who paused when I told her my name because she loved it so much.

Obviously, the ride was short because we really weren’t too far away, at least not by car. When walking with bags and a six-foot tree, sure, it seems pretty far. I can’t remember their names because the entire time we were in the car, both kept talking over one another. The man talked to Dustin while the lady talked to me. It was hard to listen! Once they had dropped us off, they wished as a happy Thanksgiving and went about their day. What a happy and sweet couple!

I hope that Dustin and I grow old together and can some day do something sweet for a struggling young couple as well. Not that Dustin and I are in dire need or anything, but we did lack a car! My bigger hope, though, is that we can pay it forward sometime sooner rather than later.

Be kind to one another, y’all. This world needs more kindness.