Life beckons

How do I even begin? Ugh.

Last week, an old friend of mine, one that I met in middle school and remained friends with until high school graduation, passed away after battling ovarian cancer. We met because Rosa was friends with my friends, so we fell into the same crowd back at J. L. Long Middle School in good ol’ East Dallas. Honestly, I was intimidated by her, which was ridiculous because she was actually one of the friendliest girls I could have met, and although I felt that we had little in common, she let me be her friend. I will be forever grateful for that. There is no doubt that the rest of my school days, all the way up until graduation, were filled with much laughter because of the friendship we shared. She was a hoot. There is a reason she was voted “Most Spirited” in our graduating senior class. She certainly earned it!

[sigh]

Sadly, I had no idea she was sick, and so I never offered her words of encouragement during her fight. I never extended my love to her. It was not until after she passed that my sweet mother, who is friends with hers, called to tell me everything. My heart sank, my mind raced to places it has not gone to in a long while, and I wept. What the fuck. What the actual fuck.

My thoughts are still all over the place, but the one that continues to reverberate resoundingly is, “This is not okay. This is not okay.” She was my age, so young. Selfishly, I think about all I feel that I have left to do and experience, and then I hope with all my might that she was fulfilled and at peace. Would I be? If I were to die right now? What is it exactly that I have left to do and experience? I do not put much value into marriage, nor owning a house, nor making a vast amount of money, nor any of that cookie-cutter bullshit. I certainly do not want children. What do I want?

What?

…

So here I am, contemplating everything. Just when I thought life was smooth sailing, I am once more trying to rediscover myself. Am I being my true self? Am I nourishing my mind and my spirit? Am I orchestrating the perfect path towards my own happiness? I am in control, right? Maybe not of external circumstances, but I am in control of how I react to them. Although I cannot predict what changes or situations I will be forced to face, am I at least controlling all that I can and doing so in such a way that makes life what I want it to be? Am I adulting okay? Life is obviously not guaranteed and much too short to be fucking it all up all the time.

Oh yes, life is short but mine is also simple, if only I change my perspective. I can see that I certainly have had things pretty darn easy throughout my thirty-one years. I have never suffered a tremendous illness nor gone through a medical scare. Thankfully, amazingly, I can say that I have led a healthy life and rarely find myself in a doctor’s office (other than the one I work at, but that’s for creatures much more noble and cuter than me). I have never experienced any traumatic events, either, unless you want to count not making the grade a few years ago (Pfft, that was nothing. I bounced back from that like a total champ!). I have never been a victim of abuse, I have never had anyone take advantage of me, I have never been degraded nor belittled. Hell, I’ve never even been dumped. Lied to, misled, and rejected, sure, but never by anyone I loved or had invested in.

Still, I know and readily admit that my life is not entirely perfect right now, but it is definitely not in a state of desolation. Not even close. I can deal and live with the present state, no question. So I suppose I may be overthinking matters and being much too dramatic about “finding myself” and such. I have a tendency to do these things.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs actually keeps coming to mind as I continue to type this. Physiological needs, safety, love and belonging, and esteem. Check them all off. I truly am the girl who has it all. I have my health, I have a home and feel financially secure, I am constantly surrounded by people who love me just as I love them, and I have a great sense of self-respect (hence the not allowing degradation, disrespect, abuse, etc. to occur to me). It’s nice! Real nice!

Again, don’t get me wrong. Not all is perfect. I am not a portrait of ideal health, I am no model athlete, I eat way too many Oreos and drink too many beers. I am not loaded with money, I shop at thrift stores and in clearance sections, my abode is in fact quite humble. The people I love are not always around me, they are not always able to spend time with me no matter how much I try to make it happen, and I sometimes miss them very much. That’s the damn truth. Still… I am good in those areas. Honest.

And so I reach the top of the hierarchy: self-actualization.

Self-Actualization needs – realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

There! I am not crazy, I am not being dramatic, nor am I overthinking. All the questions that I asked myself above are legit. I asked them because I should want to reach my personal potential and continue to seek personal growth. I should want to be the best version of myself and have amazing experiences. I should not only want these things, but need them as well. This is all “normal”, if normalcy even exists. As Jordan Baker said, “It all makes sense. It all makes sense!”

Lucky for me, my sweet friend Slow J recently recommended a book to me, one that Audible also suggested based on prior purchases: You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. Two endorsements within one month? I had to get the dang thing! I’ve only read one chapter, but the gist of it is that we are all badasses and can live fucking awesome lives if actively choose to do so. Perfect, right?

That’s not all. Through lengthy conversations that we have shared, my other friend Che has filled my mind with stirring ideas, gotten philosophical on me, and shared his own experiences with self-discovery with me, all of which has also been largely inspiring. Not only that, but he encourages me to head out on the road to self-actualization, tells me not to hesitate, and does not think I am a complete NUT for wanting to devote my time and focus to this. I think it may be because he is also on his own journey… Ugh. I wish I was as helpful to him as he is to me.

Womp womp.

Anyhow, all of this has just been the kick in the butt that I have needed to get something going this year. I will likely write about whatever it is I discover, what changes I make, what joy I find. I am being optimistic here, I feel that good things will happen. If not, well… It will be my own fault. I hope that I do not become distracted, nor that I get frustrated and impatient. I hope that I reach new, epic levels of happiness and make others happy as well. I hope this makes me the badass person that I know I should be.

This could be good. We shall see…

_________________________

Rosa, rest easy, you sweet and amazing being. I hate that you are gone, but will always be grateful to have known you. ❤

I just wanted to write

I don’t even know what I want to write about. That’s not a good way to start. It’s been so long since I have written, though, that I feel that it’s necessary for me to sit down and do it.

This year is off to a good start. Surprisingly, I have actually kept busy this month because just as shockingly, I have been willing to leave home and venture into the cold when I am invited out. This is unusual for me – I usually make every excuse to stay home during the winter months because bundling up and facing low temps? Not my idea of a good time. Ugh, awful. Just awful.

BUT…

Last year, I made a new friend. Back up: last year, I got a new job, made several new friends there, and one of them introduced to my new special (I guess?) friend. Jeezus, I already have multiple “best” friends, it’s hard for me to call her that because then the word “best” loses its meaning, doesn’t it? She does fit the description of a best friend, though. A person’s closest friend. That makes her a best friend, right?

She is. She totally is. In a span of just a few months, she has become one of my closest friends. We talk every day and typically see each other every weekend. I love spending time with her, we clicked from the moment we met (sober… the first time we met sober, because the first time we really met, I was trashed and do not remember a thing. HA!), she gets my sense of humor and personality, she is just as goofy/random/happy as I am, and I wish we had met YEARS ago. She is a loving human being, selfless, perfectly flawed, unabashedly affectionate. I adore her.

I am very thankful that I met and befriended her, and I truly hope it shows. She is so easy to talk to, someone I know I can trust, someone I know will not be judgmental nor try to lecture me. Also, with her as a friend, I have been going to new places, seeking new adventures, and meeting new people (including her wonderful and fascinating circle of friends). I get out more since I met her, which is fantastic, really.

Remember when I used to sit around at home on weekends thinking that everyone was having fun without me? (Don’t feel too bad for me – I am referring to a time ten years in the past.) Not so much anymore. January actually flew by because of how busy she and I keep ourselves, having a good time and whatnot, and this means that I only have to suffer through February before springtime commences its beautiful return. We… are… SO… close!

Anyway. Yes. Hoolie. Awesome. Bestie. I love her. Bottom line.

Since I am on the topic of seasons, though, you know what I hate? Getting out of bed before the sun has even risen. It is so sad to me. I wish I could naturally awaken every day to the sensation of solar rays on my face rather than hearing my phone play the least obnoxious soundbite I could find on it that could be used as an alarm. Ugghhh. It is just not right, it isn’t. And I realized this morning that while every year for the past decade I have looked forward to the beginning of Daylight Saving Time, this year, I am not. For the first time in ten years, I get out of work at a decent enough hour, which grants me time to enjoy at least some sunlight. I haven’t felt the darkness, the lack of doses of sun, so much this winter. But with the clocks “springing” forward next month? Boooooooo. Darkness in the mornings… The struggle will continue.

Woe is me.

I should be grateful for days like today, and yesterday, and the day before. I have been off these past three days and have, in fact, slept in until the brightness met my eyes. The weather has also been pleasantly warm and I could not appreciate it more. This is why I love Texas. This, and all my friends and family of course, is why I cannot see myself leaving. I love warmth and I love sunshine. Again, I am waiting as patiently as I can for spring and summer to arrive.

In other news, my fella and I have renewed our lease! We have wrapped up nearly two years of living together and I’d say we’ve done well. Easy peasy for the most part. Only for the most part. I realized not too long ago that a lot of the issues that I felt we had last year had to do with me wanting space, wanting to live on my own. I just about jumped out of my seat when I read an article reporting that Shonda Rhimes, of Grey’s Anatomy fame, openly discussed that marriage was not for her, nor was cohabitation. She did not want to share a home with a man, regardless of whether or not she was in love with him. I read it and thought, “Yes! I agree! It is not for everyone, it may not even be for me!”

Is it for me? How have I STILL not figured this out? Geesh. Hahaha.

All I know is that for now, I am happy. We will just have to see what the future holds. And looking back to the past (as in the last year), it’s true. I did need space. I wanted to be my own person and do my own thing. Sometimes, I felt that he was holding me back, questioning my motives, not understanding my needs, and perhaps being too judgmental whenever I would decide to do something without him. I think this is where a lot of my frustration with our relationship stemmed from (there were other issues, but those are not for discussion here). It wasn’t all his fault, either. I could not go anywhere alone without someone asking, “Where’s Dustin?” or “Why didn’t Dustin come?” or something along those lines.

Oh, it aggravated me so. Like, shit, y’all. I’m here! 

Haha. What a drama queen, to let that bother me. Again, I just like being an individual. I will never be of those who believe that two people become one. Uh, no. That’s just dumb.

Anyhow, yes! We renewed our lease and I felt all sorts of squishy things on the inside as we both initialed paperwork and signed our names. Our relationship, I feel, is on the right track. I am now enjoying being myself and going off on adventures as I please, but more importantly, we have been doing more together as well. What I have figured in spending more quality time with him is that I really like the guy. I have loved him and continue to do so, that has never been in question. But I now realize that I like him. This is someone who I would want in my life even if I had no chance at being in a romantic relationship with him, even if we had been destined to be friends and nothing more, even if I did not get to know him in the way only a soulmate can know him. I believe feeling this way towards him is meaningful and this is why I know that he and I will be just fine. I only hope that he has similar feels for me. Something tells me that he does…

Man. That is quite a lot for someone who had no idea what she wanted to write about. Have a pleasant week, all. I hope you all have wonderful things to look forward to and smile about. 🙂