Three things I love: laughing, dancing, Dustin. This picture involves them all. Greatness!
Dustin made the trip to College Station with me, which meant more to me than I can ever tell. I need his opinion when it comes to making a huge decision like where I will be living for at least the next year if not the next four. It’s comforting to have his approval, it makes me feel more secure about the choice I have made. It was also nice to show him where I’ll be living, where I’ll be when I am away from him, where I’ll be when I tell him that I miss him. My brother mentioned that he will be driving to College Station and spending the weekend there anytime there is a home football game. I asked Dustin if he’d maybe want to ride with my brother so that he can visit me as well and not have to worry about dealing with the drive himself. I think he’s up for the idea! Depending on his Longhorns’ football schedule, I may skip out on going to the A&M games myself and instead join him in watching the Horns, which is absolutely fine with me as long as I spend time with my man. It may seem ridiculous for me to forgo watching my Aggies, but I have lived in Dallas the past five football seasons. Rarely was a game televised. I am quite accustomed to not being able to watch them! Dustin on the other hand? No way he can miss a game, so UT Football it is!
As for my previous post? Long ago, I dedided to stop being a pessimist. I need to let go of that fear and enjoy all that is good and great and wonderful about our relationship. I love Dustin so much and should not allow our time together to be spoiled by my feelings of doubt and insecurity. He loves me too. He wouldn’t have made that trip to College Station with me if he didn’t. Nor would he have taken me to see the new Harry Potter movie (real talk!). I say this all the time when it comes to Dustin: I’m such a lucky gal.
In just one night, my future has become a projection of uncertainty. I want to be optimistic and hope for a happy ending, but I can’t shake feeling that I’m in for hurt and heartbreak and there is nothing I can do to stop it. That’s the thing about being in love: your happiness is not dependent on you. It lies in the hands of another person. You can’t make that person happy so that person leaves taking your own happiness with him. Nobody wins. I’m very sad right now. He keeps asking if I’m okay, but I’m only as okay as I can be. Today, we’re going to College Station to take care of my housing situation. Up until last night, the plan was for me to move to College Station, finish school, move back to Dallas, and spend the rest of my life with Dustin. The seed of doubt has been planted, though, and I don’t know what’s in store for us as a couple. I’m trying to find at least some comfort in the fact I’m about to start making my way towards becoming a doctor and that he is very supportive of that, but it’s not really working. I’ll have to take it day by day, I guess. Sucks.
With only four weeks to go, the anxiety has finally hit. So much so that I dream about it when I should be resting my mind. So much so that I woke up crying about it this morning. There is just tons to do. It would help if I could talk to the people I love about it, but I feel that they don’t want to acknowledge that I’m leaving and thus, won’t partake in such a conversation. Every time I bring it up, they either get quiet or answer me with short responses so I end up changing the subject. It sucks. I want some support and feedback. Really the only person I’ve been able to talk to as of lately is my brother. No one is more excited about the move than he is. Not even me.
I better get ready for work.
Just a few items:
- I know I’m a nerd when I get overly excited about joining a student club called “The Texas A&M University Student Chapter of the American College of Veterinary Internal Medicine.” Like, seriously. I went through photographs of their meetings and activities… Oh, the technology that we get to use! I can not wait! I also plan to join the Zoo, Exotics, and Wildlife club, mostly because ferrets, guinea pigs, and birds fall under this group. Other than that, I do not know. Green Vets, Sheltering Vets, or the club pertaining to animal behavior.
- When filling out the immense amount of paperwork that I must complete (as of lately, it has been paperwork regarding housing and financial aid), I immediately and by instinct begin to list family members as references/emergency contacts. Then I remember that I have a wonderful man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me and who really ought to be one of the main contacts. I am so, so lucky. I love my Dustin.
- I can’t help but wonder what my critters will think about the move. Smartie and Miguel, I’m sure, will think nothing of it. Actually, I think they will prefer to live in an apartment with me as the only human inhabitant, no other person to tell them what to do. Just me, the girl who lets them climb on anything, sleep on anything, scratch anything… They are going to love it! Cholula Belle will be thrilled as well. As my little explorer, I am sure she is going to have a tremendously wonderful time getting to know the new place and squeezing her butt into new locales. Canelo Dog is the one I worry about. He has his routine here in Dallas. He knows how to tell when I’m home, he knows to stay in my bedroom unless spoken to, he knows to go directly into my bedroom after our walks and await his treat, he knows where to turn when we go on our walks. [sigh] I like to think that as long as he is with me, he will be happy. My sweet old dog.
I better get on with my day. It’s past three already. Blah!
I feel the need to mention that I hate being told what to do. By anyone and everyone. Even the smallest commands like being told to text so-and-so can irritate all sweetness out of me. Ask this person that, tell that person this, do this, go there… Blarf. I think this is why I am looking forward to living all by my lonesome self so badly. Sans roomates. I hope I’m ready for it because my time in Dallas is winding down quickly. I am anxious to feel anxious. For now, I am still calm. Just wait, though. When it hits me, it’s gonna knock the shit out of me and will be be a wretched mess. Oh joy, what fun I have awaiting me!