Breakup

Today marks two years since I broke up with Dustin.

I did not remember the exact date, I just remember that it was the same night that my friend Betty and I went to a memorial service at City Hall. Thanks to Facebook Memories, I now know that 7/11 is, in fact, the exact date.

I feel sadness.

I am not sad because I wish we were still together. I’m thankful we are no longer together, and proud that I made that decision. I am much better off without him, without the games he played, without his negativity. I don’t miss him, I don’t love him anymore, I don’t care about him.

But I am sad.

Sad that someone I loved so immensely, someone I trusted, someone I thought valued me, could betray me and lie to me as he did. I never stopped caring for him, even after the breakup, when we remained friends. I still worried for him, I worried that I caused him pain. I still wanted to have a positive role in his life. I continued to tell him that I loved him, because I did and because I feared that he didn’t hear those words from anyone else.

I’m sad that he didn’t cherish that. I’m sad that he stopped caring for me. How could someone I gave so much to be so cold towards me? He was harsh. It stung, it was excruciating.

I should celebrate today, however. July 11th, 2016 marked the beginning of me moving on, even though it took a year and a half for me to really get the wheels turning. It took me seeing him for who he truly is. It took me toughening up and facing what I feared. It took reaching January 2018.

Here I am now.

Here I continue.

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Have me a blast.

Things I love about summer:

  • sunshine
  • my brown(er) skin
  • Father’s Day
  • Mom’s birthday
  • my birthday
  • swimming
  • going bra-less
  • baseball

I can’t believe it’s July already! We are halfway through 2018! Does anyone make midyear resolutions? Or, how is everyone doing with their New Year resolutions?

You know how people say things like, “2018 is going to be great!” or, “2018 will be my year!”…

Did those predictions come true? Did they make those wishes happen? Are they having an above par journey around the sun? Is the year truly treating them well?

Things were mighty bleak for me at the end of 2017. My resolution was simple: kick my mental illness’s ass. I had low expectations for this year. All I could ask for was to stop feeling so doomed and helpless. Funny. Now I’m having the most wonderful year, I feel unconquerable and relentless, with plenty left to look forward to and enjoy still. I was not one of those who said 2018 would be great, I didn’t foresee it being my best year… Yet here I am.

Goals for the second half of the year:

  • be the best leader and liaison I can be
  • be a helping hand and supportive friend for all the new moms in my family and circle of friends
  • continue to learn more about jewelry making
  • read, read, read
  • write, write, write
  • run, run, run
  • save more shmoney
  • prepare for the end of this season, do not fear the winter

I am ready. HBIC mode.

Happy Half Year everyone! I am going to head to the pool in celebration of National Bikini Day. Stay sexy.

Nobody likes you when you’re 33.

It is the eve of my 33rd birthday.

I am not sure what 33 is supposed to feel like, but my bet is that I feel younger, both mentally and physically, than most people my age do. That is not to say that I am immature, mind you. What I mean is that I am not anxious about aging, about being an adult, about (not) reaching certain milestones. I am not stressed, I am not pressured, I am not trying to impress anyone.

Happiness comes in all shapes and sizes and what is right for me, what fulfills me, may not be nearly enough for others.

Am I a homeowner? No. Am I financially wealthy? No. Am I married? No. Do I have children? No! A resound No! now and forever.

Am I happy?

Yes! Yes, I am!

I love life. I love my life. I would not trade my life for anyone else’s, and I imagine that others would want to trade for mine. I enjoy life, I am motivated by its challenges, I gladly indulge in all great things that it offers me, I marvel at how twisted it can be some days and how simple it can be others. I wake up eager to live each day (thankfully, I have a fulfilling job and coworkers that double as friends). Even when shit hits the fan, which it has a couple times in the last few weeks, I quickly realize that it is not the end of the world, I am just gonna be over here… doing my thing… keeping on… and that is that.

With the years I now have under my belt, I finally mastered the art of bouncing back, of not letting negativity nor doubt get the best of me. Eventually, I hope to be at a point where negativity and doubt do not enter my being in the first place. There is work to be done in that regard. I am also still learning to correct my mistakes and make up for poor choices. I do feel that is going well, though.

I also have to admit that in life, it helps to have this HUGE group of people who love and care about me, that has my back always. And you know what one of the best parts about being me is? I somehow manage to keep meeting people and getting them to join that group! My squad is so legit. Get yourself a bitchin’ squad, folks.

Physically? Man, what are people doing? Why do people about my age hurt so much? Back pains, migraines, knee pain, exhaustion, high susceptibility to catch bugs that go around. What gives? I bet they are not eating right. I bet they do not exercise adequately. Maybe they do not get enough sleep. Whatever it is, I am not experiencing it just yet. I keep waiting for these so-called “changes” to happen, for things to start going “downhill” as they are supposed to when one enters this decade, but so far so good. Hell, I am even training to run another half-marathon at the moment. At my birthday celebration Friday night – holy crap, so fun! – I outdanced everyone. I could not, would not stop! I left with energy still to burn. That is how I do.

So yeah, I am feeling good. I love birthdays, including mine. It would be too cliche to say that I am excited about what the next year holds for me, especially when I am excited all the time. The upcoming weeks alone offer me much to look forward to. We shall see what the rest of the year holds.

Happy birthday, happy every day, to me.

Come on, get happy.

Brace yourselves. I am going to ramble my way through this one because it is all too much!

Once again, I have sent my cues out to the universe and in turn, it has taken my signals and delivered what I needed.

In my last entry, I wrote about wanting to become more involved with the Texas Humane Legislation Network. I did not hear back from them, which is not too surprising since they have their big annual conference happening in less than two weeks. I am sure the folks running the show are preoccupied as of lately and unable to tend to position requests. No matter, though, because I am officially in their directory and will simply await future opportunities. I am not too worried about it.

Still, life came through and gave me a more immediate endeavor to pursue. The volunteer coordinator at Operation Kindness (the animal shelter I volunteer for) sent out an email last week asking for members to sign up for new committees. One committee will be dedicated to reading to children who visit the shelter, the other will focus on event/creative planning. I replied to her email to express interest in both and bam! Just like that, I am a committee member! Our first meeting is scheduled for Saturday morning and I am too pumped about it. Helping kids and being creative? Two things I love!

Yaaaas.

Matters are also well in the professional realm, I can gladly state. Last week, Bossman and SE (again, she is my friend, but also happens to be my supervisor) informed me that I was selected to participate in a special event being held by our company.

Let me back up here.

I work at an animal hospital. This hospital is one of over 700 nationwide that are owned and operated by a corporation. This corporation sponsors a local minor league baseball team that happens to be an affiliate of my beloved Texas Rangers. Pretty cool, right? Okay. So, as a token of their appreciation for the sponsorship, the Frisco RoughRiders (i.e., the aforementioned minor league team) have invited local hospitals in our corporate network to nominate employees to attend a private batting practice at their stadium…

Yup. I was chosen! The sports fangirl in me is absolutely stoked. The hardworking employee in me is humbled and honored. This is going to be fun. The date is set for next month, I will be attending along with SE, and I cannot wait. Wow. Sometimes, when such things fall right into my lap, I feel that I have all the luck in the world. Wouldn’t you?

But enough about me.

There is no denying that I am happiest when the people I love are happiest. One of the most important people in my life, someone I love very dearly, is my best friend, jokingly nicknamed MexiBestie.

Oh, what a month she’s having!

Less than two weeks ago, her younger sister gave birth to a beautiful little girl, making MexiBestie an auntie for the first time! I typically do not think newborns are cute. They usually look a hot mess, in my opinion. Oh, not this little one. I am not kidding when I say that she is precious – she has the cutest hair, dark and already full, along with a tiny, adorable smile. MexiBestie is beyond herself and totally in love with the baby, it’s so sweet. I am getting a kick out of how obsessed with her she is, it is so entertaining, especially since I have totally been in that position and was a whackadoo myself. Haha. But seriously, what a joy for her entire family!

It gets better, though.

Ugh, how can I express the greatness of the following news?

MEXIBESTIE IS ENGAGED!!!!

That’s right. During a weekend trip to New York City, her man popped the question and she is officially a bride-to-be!

I just about lost my shit when I found out. I was at a party with Che when she sent me a captionless photograph of herself and her now-fiance. In it she is flashing the ring. It took me about three seconds to realize what it meant and I started screaming, I was so happy! Everyone around me looked at me like I was crazy, including Che. I told him what was happening and thankfully, since he knows MexiBestie and knows how much she means to me, he was able to explain the situation to everyone while I continued to thoroughly freak out.

My reply to the photograph she sent was as follows:

I’m freaking out right now!!!!
Everyone at this party thinks I’m nuts!
I can’t even!!! Fyyyyyyyck
Those are supposed to be u’s

I’m so happy, I’m gonna cry!!!!
Can you post it so I can freak out on social media? I’m seriously about to lose it!!!

Geeze. I can report that I have composed myself since that night and am now looking forward to seeing her next weekend when she returns to Dallas! I want to hear all the details about the proposal, find out what she wants her wedding to be like, catch up on other aspects of our lives, and somehow try to convey how much love I have for her and how thrilled I am for the future she is building. She is amazing.

Family and friends are everything, are they not?

I hope that everyone finds the happiness that surrounds them. Send the universe your love and let it know that you are working on being joyful. It will reward you and help you out. Be happy for those you love, let their joy be yours as well, and vice versa. Come on, get happy.

May everyone have a wonderful week!

This is it.

It is interesting, how I can be as equally moved and inspired by what is ugly as I am by what is beautiful.

These last few weeks have been overwhelming, and I wish I had been more committed to writing and documenting as events were happening, but I was not. So, here I am. Digging back into my memory, trying to recollect the facts and feelings and my own reactions. What a year this is shaping up to be. And we are only halfway through it.

Ask and you shall receive. I know this is a reference to a Bible verse, so it is uncharacteristic of me, an atheist, to allude to. It is just so fitting, though. I do not believe in higher beings, I haven’t for years and never will again. I do, however, believe that we live in an abundant universe that takes the cues that we send out to it and gives back to us accordingly. Perhaps it is the Law of Attraction that has caused life to give me just what I needed and even more than I asked for.

And I am grateful.

The biggest news to share is that I broke up with the fella. This will seem so out of the blue for many, but those who know me best will readily admit that it was a long time coming. I tried. I made every effort, some very desperately, to make the relationship work and to be happy in it. I focused on all that was good about it – and there was an abundance, the list could go on and on – while neglecting what was fundamentally wrong.

Neglect may not entirely be the right word. The issue was always on my mind, pulling me down from the high that I wanted to stay on. I ignored it. I banished it to the depths of my subconscious, away from present thoughts, discredited just how awful it truly was. I would bottle up each emotion associated with it, only to have outbursts of those emotions when they all became too much. Every two months or so – DRAMA. Then I would calm down and move on, allow myself to be “happy” with the way matters were.

I can’t do that anymore.

Sharing the details here is not warranted. I will not do that to him. He is not ready for this to be over, which is making this all the more difficult for me. He even asked that I not make it public just yet, I assume that he meant on Facebook. I have shared the news with some people, though. My best friends, of course, and friends at work who have noticed a change. That is the downside to having a happy and positive demeanor: the moment you go too long without smiling, everyone knows that something is up. I was asked all throughout the week if I was “okay” or if something was “wrong”. Oy.

True to my nature, though, I am focusing on being positive about this all. I absolutely believe that this is in my best interest. I need out of this relationship. This has become the year of self-rediscovery, after all. What better time to be alone? What better way to concentrate on being my true self and creating my own reality? Also, holy shit, I have the greatest friends! And goddamn, there are people out there who care about me more than I even realized! I have received so many messages of encouragement, expressions of support, words of advice. I have been told that my happiness is what is important, that I can be strong, I can get past this.

I had a friend, a fairly new one, take me out to dinner the other night. Another is taking me out tonight. I have had multiple people offer me a place to stay if need be (the fact that I live with the fella is a complicated aspect of this ordeal). A group of gals has planned an outing next weekend since, oh-by-the-way, my birthday is coming up. One friend told me I can have him bring his trailer if I need to move things out. Another friend said that not only am I welcome to stay at his place, but he is also willing to drive me to work every morning. Say whaaaaa?

It is all almost unbearably sweet! So much love is overwhelming. And beautiful, no doubt. It is so undeniably beautiful. My goodness.

I will be staying put, however, crazy as that may seem to most. I talked things over with the fella yesterday – a calm, mature conversation. Our lease is not up until February, I have three critters to move, we have possessions to divide. There is no need to act hastily here. We agreed to live together until it is more feasible for each of us to move. I do love the man, I bear him no ill will, and I know he loves me as well. We can remain amicable, we can continue being each other’s support, we can be friends, I believe, and strongly hope. Once again, this is me being the eternal optimist. I cannot help myself, y’all.

That is it. There is nothing else I would like to share about this. The rest is reserved.

Ugghhh. I am struggling to publish this…

Here goes.

On the road again.

There is this calm feeling of relief that has resulted from having honest and open conversations with people I fully trust. The usual suspects – family, mentors, and old friends. Newcomers as well, oddly enough. How can I be so trusting? No, the true question is – How can people so worthy still exist and, even more puzzling, how do I keep finding them? This month, I have spilled so much, overshared, exposed myself, and it has all been quite cathartic, like starting fresh. What perfect timing, too.

There is no denying that January through March of every year is my period of inactivity, my season of uninspiredness (is that a word?). Actually, March is always promising. March is when the awakening tends to begin, when my rational mind begins to prep itself for all that my imagination allows itself to concoct. This is why clearing it through spoken word has been so relevant!

The process of re-discovering myself is going swimmingly, I am happy to say. No, wait… I am happy. Period. I have reflected and been reminded of all that is positive, all that makes me feel alive, all that makes me feel that, yes, my life is purposeful. This has induced happiness.

I am reverting to my old ways, something that may seem like a backward step, but no, it’s not. I can remember my happiest year very well, and all that made it so. It was 2009. I was twenty-four. This is what made me:

  • Family. I lived with my Mom on a street that my Grandma and two other aunts also live on. I saw my little cousins nearly daily. I ran around outside with them, would take them to the park at the end of the street, sometimes even go on bike rides (this was before the Santa Fe Trail was completed. Ugh. Life would have been so much easier for us if it had already existed then). At any given time, I could step out the front door, take a few steps and be with my favorite people. It was incredible.
  • Health. In 2008, I became a pescetarian. A few months into that venture, I went full vegetarian. My body thanked me, and when 2009 rolled around, I was the healthiest I had ever been in my life. What a way to start a year. With my new found energy, I started running and started cycling. I got out more…
  • Getting out. Geeze, I spent so much time outdoors. Even if it meant simply sitting on the amazing porch at my Mom’s place. I have already mentioned taking the kiddos to the park, running, and cycling. I was outside ALL THE TIME. I took in doses of fresh (“fresh”… I do live in the city) air and sunshine constantly. Such awesomeness.
  • Making a difference. I was still working at the SPCA of Texas at the beginning of the year. When I left that job to do an internship at a veterinary hospital, I got a part-time job at The Humane Society. My heart belongs to animals, and shelter animals are some of my favorite. My being felt so fulfilled from loving on those critters every day. I almost felt heroic.
  • Falling in love. For the first time in my life, I fell in love. I fell fast and hard and so did he. We did not hold back. It was such an astouding rush, completely unlike what I had expected. Better! Who knew I had it in me to love like that? How could I ever guess that this cute guy I met on Facebook could make me feel like the most important person on the planet? Damn.
  • Cementing friendships. This is when I started forming lasting friendships. Not the type that were fleeting because oh, we aren’t in the same classes this semester, we don’t work together anymore, you have a boyfriend now, you moved to the other side of DFW, etc. At this point, I started going out of my way to maintain my friendships, to stay in touch and decidedly make an effort to spend time with my pals. All worth it. Those people are still my ride-or-dies, as they say.
  • Achievement. I got another degree and became an RVT, yo! Go me!

Obviously, I cannot repeat many of these things. I will not be moving back in with my Mom, I will not go back to working at an animal shelter, I cannot go vegetarian again. I can mimic some of those moves, though. Spend more time at my Mom’s, start volunteering at the shelter again, clean up my diet. I can continue to build strong friendships, I can continue being active, I can fall in love all over again, I can take some sort of class somewhere, I guess, and continue educating myself. Why not?

Yikes, I’m sleepy. This is not my cleanest of posts. This has been a bit of a free-write entry, but it may be just what I needed. I have been getting so much of “just what I needed” as of lately, sometimes it seems unbelievable. I am so excited for next month, for how much further I will get on this road to wherever it is I am going.

It is good to be me.

Life beckons

How do I even begin? Ugh.

Last week, an old friend of mine, one that I met in middle school and remained friends with until high school graduation, passed away after battling ovarian cancer. We met because Rosa was friends with my friends, so we fell into the same crowd back at J. L. Long Middle School in good ol’ East Dallas. Honestly, I was intimidated by her, which was ridiculous because she was actually one of the friendliest girls I could have met, and although I felt that we had little in common, she let me be her friend. I will be forever grateful for that. There is no doubt that the rest of my school days, all the way up until graduation, were filled with much laughter because of the friendship we shared. She was a hoot. There is a reason she was voted “Most Spirited” in our graduating senior class. She certainly earned it!

[sigh]

Sadly, I had no idea she was sick, and so I never offered her words of encouragement during her fight. I never extended my love to her. It was not until after she passed that my sweet mother, who is friends with hers, called to tell me everything. My heart sank, my mind raced to places it has not gone to in a long while, and I wept. What the fuck. What the actual fuck.

My thoughts are still all over the place, but the one that continues to reverberate resoundingly is, “This is not okay. This is not okay.” She was my age, so young. Selfishly, I think about all I feel that I have left to do and experience, and then I hope with all my might that she was fulfilled and at peace. Would I be? If I were to die right now? What is it exactly that I have left to do and experience? I do not put much value into marriage, nor owning a house, nor making a vast amount of money, nor any of that cookie-cutter bullshit. I certainly do not want children. What do I want?

What?

So here I am, contemplating everything. Just when I thought life was smooth sailing, I am once more trying to rediscover myself. Am I being my true self? Am I nourishing my mind and my spirit? Am I orchestrating the perfect path towards my own happiness? I am in control, right? Maybe not of external circumstances, but I am in control of how I react to them. Although I cannot predict what changes or situations I will be forced to face, am I at least controlling all that I can and doing so in such a way that makes life what I want it to be? Am I adulting okay? Life is obviously not guaranteed and much too short to be fucking it all up all the time.

Oh yes, life is short but mine is also simple, if only I change my perspective. I can see that I certainly have had things pretty darn easy throughout my thirty-one years. I have never suffered a tremendous illness nor gone through a medical scare. Thankfully, amazingly, I can say that I have led a healthy life and rarely find myself in a doctor’s office (other than the one I work at, but that’s for creatures much more noble and cuter than me). I have never experienced any traumatic events, either, unless you want to count not making the grade a few years ago (Pfft, that was nothing. I bounced back from that like a total champ!). I have never been a victim of abuse, I have never had anyone take advantage of me, I have never been degraded nor belittled. Hell, I’ve never even been dumped. Lied to, misled, and rejected, sure, but never by anyone I loved or had invested in.

Still, I know and readily admit that my life is not entirely perfect right now, but it is definitely not in a state of desolation. Not even close. I can deal and live with the present state, no question. So I suppose I may be overthinking matters and being much too dramatic about “finding myself” and such. I have a tendency to do these things.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs actually keeps coming to mind as I continue to type this. Physiological needs, safety, love and belonging, and esteem. Check them all off. I truly am the girl who has it all. I have my health, I have a home and feel financially secure, I am constantly surrounded by people who love me just as I love them, and I have a great sense of self-respect (hence the not allowing degradation, disrespect, abuse, etc. to occur to me). It’s nice! Real nice!

Again, don’t get me wrong. Not all is perfect. I am not a portrait of ideal health, I am no model athlete, I eat way too many Oreos and drink too many beers. I am not loaded with money, I shop at thrift stores and in clearance sections, my abode is in fact quite humble. The people I love are not always around me, they are not always able to spend time with me no matter how much I try to make it happen, and I sometimes miss them very much. That’s the damn truth. Still… I am good in those areas. Honest.

And so I reach the top of the hierarchy: self-actualization.

Self-Actualization needs – realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

There! I am not crazy, I am not being dramatic, nor am I overthinking. All the questions that I asked myself above are legit. I asked them because I should want to reach my personal potential and continue to seek personal growth. I should want to be the best version of myself and have amazing experiences. I should not only want these things, but need them as well. This is all “normal”, if normalcy even exists. As Jordan Baker said, “It all makes sense. It all makes sense!”

Lucky for me, my sweet friend Slow J recently recommended a book to me, one that Audible also suggested based on prior purchases: You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. Two endorsements within one month? I had to get the dang thing! I’ve only read one chapter, but the gist of it is that we are all badasses and can live fucking awesome lives if actively choose to do so. Perfect, right?

That’s not all. Through lengthy conversations that we have shared, my other friend Che has filled my mind with stirring ideas, gotten philosophical on me, and shared his own experiences with self-discovery with me, all of which has also been largely inspiring. Not only that, but he encourages me to head out on the road to self-actualization, tells me not to hesitate, and does not think I am a complete NUT for wanting to devote my time and focus to this. I think it may be because he is also on his own journey… Ugh. I wish I was as helpful to him as he is to me.

Womp womp.

Anyhow, all of this has just been the kick in the butt that I have needed to get something going this year. I will likely write about whatever it is I discover, what changes I make, what joy I find. I am being optimistic here, I feel that good things will happen. If not, well… It will be my own fault. I hope that I do not become distracted, nor that I get frustrated and impatient. I hope that I reach new, epic levels of happiness and make others happy as well. I hope this makes me the badass person that I know I should be.

This could be good. We shall see…

_________________________

Rosa, rest easy, you sweet and amazing being. I hate that you are gone, but will always be grateful to have known you. ❤

The best week

Here I am again, ending another year.

I tend to spend about a month anticipating the last week of the year, preparing for it, building it up. Then it hits, with ridiculous excitement and an abundance of love, I am overwhelmed and overjoyed – Christmas, Dustin’s birthday, our anniversary, New Year’s Eve – all crammed into one short week. And just as quickly as it arrives, it passes. The new year begins, and I am left thinking, “Now what?”

The truth is that I despise the beginning of the year. I realize that many see it as an opportunity for a fresh start and all that nonsense, but I don’t. One can create a new beginning at any point, not just January. I instead see the first few months of the year as underwhelming in comparison to December, bleak and desolate by cause of the dreary weather, and seemingly never ending as I await all that is wonderful about springtime (blooming flowers, longer days, warmer weather, baseball, etc, etc…).

It just seems as though there is nothing for me to be excited about throughout January and February.

I suppose I could set new goals for myself, not necessarily as resolutions, but because I recently met my marathon goal and need something else to keep me busy. Just last week I was sitting outside eating lunch with my coworker (friend, really) when I noted that my one-year anniversary of working at ADC was coming up. This led us to reflect on the year that has passed, all we have achieved, what we would have liked to achieve, and what we see ourselves striving for in the upcoming year. That’s a lie. He talked about his planned endeavors, lofty and inspiring they be. Me? I got nothing.

What to do, what to do.

Study and refresh my memory enough to retake national boards and finally get my license? I allowed my registration to expire years ago because I was broke and unsure about what I wanted to do with myself. But now may be the time to smarten up and get it done. I always yearn to be a more creative person. Perhaps I could take up art journaling, combining that with writing, drawing, photography, and calligraphy? Health and fitness-wise, how do I top running a marathon?! Improve on my time? Get as close to a Boston-esque pace as I can? Train for a duathlon perhaps? I’d have to get a proper bike for that… Yikes. I should probably stick to running and only cycle for funsies.

Meh, I will figure it out. It took half a year to decide to run Dallas, after all. We shall see.

For the present moment, I will continue to focus on this week and all the celebrating left to do. My bestie also happens to be back from Colorado and I am anxious to see her and play catch-up. I am hoping that we can reunite tomorrow.

Today has been somewhat uneventful, which is probably a good thing. Last night, my fella went out with friends while I stayed home for a quiet night in. I made myself dinner, watched an HBO documentary, did some light cleaning, and simply relaxed (yes, cleaning is relaxing to me because catharsis, you know?). I went to bed a little past midnight – the fella and I had taken naps together in the afternoon so I was not terribly tired – and looked forward to an early start to the following day.

It was not to be.

According to my phone’s log, I took a call from the fella at 2:22 am this morning. He asked me to help him – he was outside, not far from our apartment, and had apparently taken a nasty spill. There is a pond in the center of our complex, below what I consider ground level (i.e. the level upon which the apartment buildings are standing). A path leads from the leasing office, where Dustin’s Uber driver dropped him off (hooray for him being responsible and not driving, right?), to the lot in front of our building. The path is actually part of a retaining wall and along it is a five to six-foot vertical drop down to the pond’s level. Not very safe for lonely, inebriated men trying to get home in the pitch black night. One misstep over the ledge and down you go…

Poor fella.

When I reached him, he was lying on his back and moaning in pain. It took all I had in me to help him up and start making our way home. He told me his right ankle was too painful and that he could not bear weight on it so I had him throw his right arm around me and bore the weight for him. What a task!

I cannot lie, I was extremely annoyed. I had been awakened from my sleep to deal with drunkenness. Of course, he was belligerent, too! Once inside our place, he immediately allowed himself to fall to the floor, which further infuriated me because I knew I would have to do the work to get him up all over again. I wanted to scream at him to get his shit together and get himself to our bed.

Oh, but his face was one as full of sorrow as it was of pain. How many times has he dealt with my own inebriated shenanigans? And is this not our week? The week we celebrate finally meeting and starting our relationship? Our relationship that has been through so much turbulence in its nearly six-year length, yet still manages to work somehow and generate happiness. We may not be married (not complaining, just stating the fact), but in sickness and in health, yes?

I helped him to bed, removed his shoes, and asked if he had hit his head. He was ranting about the night he had, so I chose not to bother with trying to get an answer out of him and instead checked his head for injury myself. I got a little peace of mind from not finding any evidence of wounds and decided that it was safe for him to sleep. After repeated apologies to me, he finally succumbed and was silent.

This morning, I walked to the store to buy him a Naked Juice to help with his hangover and Advil to help with his injury. It was not his ankle that was hurt – it was his foot. That thing is so swollen it looks like Bobby’s feet from Bobby’s WorldA short while ago, I taped it up to hopefully get the inflammation to subside. [sigh]

He is so lucky I love him.

But I am also lucky to have him.

Hmm. Suddenly, I am more excited to celebrate him and celebrate us. I think we’re gonna make it, that guy and me. The uncertainty that reigned over me this year is finally waning and I find myself being reminded of all the reasons I fell for him in the first place. He… He has been more mindful, I must say. I needed that. It has made all the difference and I feel the next phase of our romance making its welcome debut.

Yes, I needed that.

All good?

Oh, life. What are you doing to me now?

I knew that changes were imminent, I could sense it, strongly so, and this is saying a lot because I do not usually have a feel for such things. I am building new relationships, while others are getting weak, and one is oh so steady, but being thrown a curve ball.

I found out a couple weeks ago that one of my best friends – who had also been my coworker for the last two years – landed a new dream job that will actually take her back to her home state of Colorado and, obviously, away from me here in Texas. Blagh… No. The truth is that I am thrilled for her and very proud of her, of course, but it is also inevitable for me to throw myself a pity party because of how much I’ll miss her, both at work and outside of work. The fact that she was offered the job and has to move almost immediately – like, this month! – has not made things easier. [sigh] I am confident, though, that we will remain best friends regardless of the distance and regardless of not seeing each other practically every day (like we do now). And, um, hello! Like I needed another excuse to fly out to Colorado? I am going to visit her ASAP and often! I cannot wait!

Anyhow, I now find it odd to look forward to the remainder of the year now. My marathon, the new Star Wars film, shows featuring some of my favorite musicians, festivals, this holiday, that holiday, the next holiday, and the holiday after that? I won’t be sharing ANY of those experiences with my best friend. And looking forward to them means looking forward to a time when she will no longer be just a few blocks north of me. She will be 800 miles away! It’s so strange. Can we just freeze time? Or at least make it slow down? Please?

If you know me or have read earlier posts, you can likely guess that this is not the first time this year that I have made this wish. 2015…

2015 has been a tricky year filled with many changes and many questions. I am somewhat nervous to start thinking about 2016. I gave myself a deadline, one that will arrive early next year, and I fear that I am not ready to meet it. I get distracted by focusing on other aspects of my life, because they are much more entertaining. More enjoyable. Isn’t that what life’s about, though? It’s not meant to be complicated, I don’t think. It’s meant to be lived and enjoyed, especially when you, by both chance and by the circumstances you have created, find yourself with the means to do so. Right? That’s what I’m choosing.

The changes to adapt to, the decisions to be made, the challenges to face? They never stop coming, do they? But I’ll be good. My foundation is strong, and if I keep my heart well-nourished and my mind well-conditioned, I’ll be good. That’s all there is to it.

That’s all there’s to this entry as well. Toodles.

33.3333333333333…

How is it May already? How is my favorite month of the year (April) already over? Why am I letting this year just pass me by?

[sigh]

As previously mentioned, I have actually been quite busy. I say that I am letting the year go by, but I do not mean that I am simply sitting idly at home not doing anything. Oh no. I’ve kept myself rather occupied, to be sure. I merely feel that I am not truly accomplishing anything, though.

I can’t remember making New Year’s resolutions this past December. My goals have remained the same since before then: run, learn French, become a better photographer, write more, explore more, so on and so on. We are one-third of the way through the year already. I need to get my butt going.

Encouragement, please?