December Days.

One week (plus a day) until winter’s official arrival. That’s it. Here we are.

Last year, I am pretty sure I spent December 21st crying uncontrollably. Oh, the darkness, both outdoors and in my head. It was around that date that I started researching potential therapists for myself because I just could not handle things anymore. Signs that I needed therapy? Well, other than the crying… mood swings, inability to sleep, loss of appetite, rapid weight loss, feelings of doom, anxiety attacks. The crying, though. I had never cried so much in my life. So many triggers. Seemingly crying over nothing and everything.

As I started to recover from my depression early this year, there was a part of me that figured that once winter returned, I would fall right back into it. I know I wrote about it several times, even during the summer. I have lived with this fear of becoming depressed again ever since I started to recover.

I thought it might happen in October, given the fact that October is the month I lost both Canelo and Miguel.

I was fine.

I thought it might happen in November, given the fact that daylight saving time would end and the sun would start setting significantly earlier than it does in the summer.

I was fine.

Now it’s December. December with all those fucking memories – SO many fucking memories – from childhood, from young adulthood, from the Dustin years, and then the horror of last year.

Thirteen days in – I am fine.

But no, wait. No, no no no no no. I have been better than fine all three months. I am happy, I am enjoying life, I have maintained the most positive outlook, I have cultivated a fantastic social life, I have been kicking ass at work, I have bonded with my family even more so than I already was (thanks in large part to my perfect newborn nephew). I am accepting every invitation, partying, dancing, living it up. I feel great about the gifts I have purchased, the thought I put into them, the fact that I did not spend a fortune. Those who appreciate minimalism will be proud.

I feel gooooood. Really good.

This is actually the most I have enjoyed the holidays in quite a while. It’s not so bad, is it?

It’s simply been easy this time around. This December, this year. I realize that there are still eighteen days left for things to completely fuck all up, but I sincerely believe that will not happen. There is still so much to look forward, more joyful times ahead.

How is this my life? 365 days later – how is this my life?

HAPPY Holidays.

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Out with the old, in with the new!

What a week. From being told that I was disrespectful, being wrongfully accused of something I did not do, and having my patience tried time and time again, to spending an absolutely wonderful holiday with my little family of strays, finishing up a job, and beginning to celebrate a new year.

The aforementioned negative things are not worth going into detail about because they will only stir up the harsh emotions I felt while experiencing them. Again, not worth it. Instead, I’ll write about the lovely times, times I have shared with this crazy man I am still crazy about.

I worked Christmas Eve and didn’t arrive home until after 8 p.m. To my delight, Dustin had a candlelight dinner set for us in our living room, with plates, napkins, and drinks all in place. Granted, the meal consisted of delivery pizza, but that it so “us”! It was perfect and thoughtful and made my heart melt. We then waited until midnight, as has been tradition in my family, to open presents. Dustin even got a card from Smartie! Adorbs!

I had to go back to work yesterday, for what ended up being my last day there. Goodbyes suck, even though there weren’t many people there for me to say goodbye to. I think several were still out for the holiday, others were out sick, and some were just not scheduled to work. Ah, well. I will see them again, I am sure. I will not be seeing “my” patients again, though. That part is particularly rough, but I keep in mind that I will be moving on to help other critters and their families so it’s okay.

Before doing so, however (starting my new job, that is), I have over a week off to do whatever I’d like! It is already off to a good start since Dustin and I celebrated our anniversary early by taking the train downtown for lunch and to see the stage production of one our favorite movies, Once. Oh, it was so wonderful! Dustin bought amazing seats, the production was very well done, and the music! Oh, the music! I cried three times because I was so overwhelmed by how beautiful it all was. Ugh. Happy anniversary indeed. Tomorrow, we’ll be celebrating his birthday and later this week, celebrating a new calendar year.

What an exciting time. Dustin will be beginning another year of life, we will begin a new year as a couple, and I will be starting a new job. I have a feeling that 2015 is going to be a good one!

A post about warmth and kindness

I feel that when I wear a sweater, jacket, or coat that belongs to someone I love, there is an added warmth to it. I felt this way as a child, when I would wear my parents’ sweatshirts. I felt it even more when I was in college, became homesick, and again, would dress myself in sweaters and jackets belonging to my Mom, which I would not-so-subtly snatch during my visits home. Now, it’s my boyfriend’s hoodies that do the trick. Walking my dog in the bitter cold is more bearable when I am snug in Dustin’s aroma.

There is much that I want to share and put in words, but now is not the time. I will share a little story from the previous weekend, though.

As some of you may or may not know, I do not own a car. I hate cars. I appreciate that they get me places and all, but I do not want to own one nor drive one. I rely on public transportation, my legs, and carpooling to get about. I have done so my entire adult life, and while not always convenient, I have made it work. This also keeps the environmentalist in me content.

Dustin does own a car, but it has been acting up for a few weeks and so over the weekend, I decided to walk to Target for some necessities since we couldn’t take that darn vehicle. The store is only about a mile away from our place, which is a short distance for someone who enjoys walking and running as much as I do. Surprisingly, though, Dustin decided to join me and off we went, hand in hand, chit chatting, discussing what we needed to buy, and enjoying the weather.

After getting the things we needed, we ended up looking at trees, of course, and since they were half off, we decided to look for one to put up at our place. How could we resist? We found one that we both really liked at a pretty cheap price. It was the last one so we bought it, even though we realized we would have to carry it back home.

We were likely less than a quarter of the way back, Dustin carrying the huge tree while I carried bags full of everything else we had purchased, when we noticed a car pull over ahead of us. A man stepped out of the driver’s seat and motioned for us to get in. With shock and gratitude, we accepted the offer, put the tree and bags in the car, and climbed in as well. The driver was an older gentleman and once in the car, we met his wife, a sweet old lady who paused when I told her my name because she loved it so much.

Obviously, the ride was short because we really weren’t too far away, at least not by car. When walking with bags and a six-foot tree, sure, it seems pretty far. I can’t remember their names because the entire time we were in the car, both kept talking over one another. The man talked to Dustin while the lady talked to me. It was hard to listen! Once they had dropped us off, they wished as a happy Thanksgiving and went about their day. What a happy and sweet couple!

I hope that Dustin and I grow old together and can some day do something sweet for a struggling young couple as well. Not that Dustin and I are in dire need or anything, but we did lack a car! My bigger hope, though, is that we can pay it forward sometime sooner rather than later.

Be kind to one another, y’all. This world needs more kindness.