It’s a process.

Here’s an update on my journey.

I am still not sleeping well. I can sleep for two hours, wake up with my heart racing, stay awake for 1-2 hours because I cannot calm down (neither my body nor mind allow it), eventually fall asleep, only to wake up again after two hours and start the cycle all over again. Some nights, most nights, I only do this cycle twice. And so, I have only been averaging about four hours of sleep a night. It is exhausting. It is frustrating.

I cannot nap either. I tried to yesterday after work, then became so irritated that I couldn’t relax, and I started crying. I reached out to friends.

Really, the only place and time that I can sleep is when I am in a car, when someone is driving me somewhere. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the movement, maybe it’s because I know the people driving me (usually family) love me and will keep me safe, maybe it’s the feeling of getting away.

[sigh]

At my last session with my therapist, after I told her about my last trigger – cleaning out my vacuum cleaner only to discover that it was clogged with my deceased dog’s hair – she told me that although, yes, I do show many of the signs of depression, what I am dealing with is grief.

I have known that I am grieving. I guess I never realized that grief is the issue. My grief is causing these signs of depression. The depression isn’t causing the grief. I have to tackle the grief, address it and heal.

Somehow, that gives me more hope. For some reason, grief does not seem as big an enemy as depression. Grief seems more manageable. Grief is feeling.

I can do this.

Source energy, universe, all that is good, please help me through this. Help me heal. Help me release all the negative energy I store. Help me learn from my mistakes and become a more complete person, help me ascend. Help me find my higher self. Please.

Please.

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