I gave myself until today to be sad and upset. I realize that I never made the reason I was feeling down very clear. Dustin and my family (more than likely my Dad and brother) were supposed to visit me this weekend. It is the ideal weekend for a visit from them given that I don’t have any exams coming up this week. With the Rangers losing on Thursday, however, and Game 6 being played in Arlington tonight, their plans to visit were canceled. I don’t blame them, of course. I knew that this was a possibility since they had tickets and my Dad makes a killing buying and reselling. Still, I couldn’t help being overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, disappointment, and loneliness.
You see, as I have mentioned before, I become a total wreck when I say goodbye to Dustin. Last Sunday was different, though, because I was convinced that I would be seeing him again soon, on Friday evening. Thus, that goodbye was much like the ones we shared when I still lived in Dallas. I was okay, it felt great knowing that in just five days, we’d be together again. On Tuesday evening, I had dinner at a gourmet pizza place in downtown Bryan with some classmates and our faculty mentors. Downtown Bryan is so quaint and I immediately started thinking about how nice it’d be for Dustin and me to spend Saturday evening just strolling around from shop to shop and bar to bar much like we did when we went to the Fort Worth Stockyards last spring. I was so excited about the weekend. Oh so excited.
Then the Rangers lost.
Five days have turned into many more days. It will probably be at least two weeks until I see him again (I can’t go home or have any visitors next weekend because of another exam the Monday that follows). That’s eighteen or nineteen days altogether. Pretty big difference, I dare say. Had I known that it would be so long, I would not have been so casual the last time I said goodbye to him. Instead of being alone in my apartment typing this up right now, I should be enjoying the day with him.
Anyhow, being sad is not a luxury I can afford. I didn’t watch Atonement last night after all. Instead, I talked to Dustin for about two hours and went straight to bed. So far today, I have done a lot of cleaning and organization, which has made me feel very good. I just feel more in control of life when things, my belongings, and my surroundings are in order and clean. That’s what I need. I need to be in control. So for the remainder of the day, I will be studying. I will be accepting my fate.
Life can be good.